Wandering Star
by KSAriadnee
Summary: Edward POV immediately following his departure in New Moon. How does he cope with the pain of leaving Bella, and how does he fare at tracking Victoria? Canon fanfiction. Comments welcome, and thanks for reading.
1. Chapter 1 Running

**Running**

The wind whipped through my hair and against my face as I ran away from Bella's house toward the east. I was breathing quickly, gasping really, even though I felt no exertion from the run. There was a deep sense of panic within me, and a pain spreading through my chest that jabbed at me sharply. I ignored both of them. It was clear my traitorous body was once again trying to lead me astray. I would not listen to it – it could not be trusted.

The first time I had run from Bella, it was to thwart the monster within me, who would break Bella by killing her and drinking her all-too appealing blood. Now, I was trying to thwart the human within me, who would break Bella by keeping her with me forever. Not just the human forever, but the unnaturally long vampire forever. Oh, dear God, how appealing that was!

The momentary thought of staying with Bella caused a brief spike in the pain in my chest, as if someone was hammering a stake into the middle of it. It was bad enough that it caused me to break stride while running, for just a millisecond. That was a first, I admitted to myself, and I shook my head grimly. I kept going, and even picked up the pace a bit to make sure my body knew I was serious.

This was just the first of many struggles I knew I would face now - physical, mental, and emotional. I knew that I was …well, it wasn't that I was ready for them. More that I was expecting them. They were worth it, of that much I was certain.

There was something so important to me in this world, something so precious to me…. Something that I had to keep safe, such that I would be willing to face this pain a thousand times over and still smile at it. Well, maybe smile was the wrong word. But I would at least be satisfied that I was finally doing what was right.

It wasn't right yet. A vision of Bella's face as I left her in the woods broke across my thoughts, the pain and resignation of my leaving so clear in her eyes. The panic spiked, and I could hear my breath gasping again.

No! I steeled myself against the vision. I could still see it, but I wasn't going to let it stop me. I would never forget the look in her eyes as I said my final goodbye. Instead, I would hold it in front of me to remind myself what my presence in her life had cost her…had almost cost her….

As I ran through the familiar forests of the Olympic Peninsula, I tried to slow my breathing so I could appreciate the cool, subtle scent of them one last time. I would never return here again, not if I lived for thousands of years, I promised myself that. These forests would always remind me of home, I realized. A home where I was loved unconditionally, with warmth that shone unfettered from liquid brown eyes and filled my life with brightness and hope…. I moaned softly to myself. Already my pace was slowing.

Stop it! Sharply now, I commanded myself to focus, and picked back up my pace. I had made it through the first step to keeping Bella safe, the hardest step, I was sure. And now, I just had to make it through the rest of Bella's natural life.

I would start by concentrating on making it through the week. It was going to be…well, there were no words to describe how amazingly painful it was going to be. I had no illusions about that. Already I could feel the pain of it, and I knew it hadn't fully sunken in yet.

My plan was to run straight from Bella's house to where I had stashed the Volvo, and then drive across the country to meet up with my family in upstate New York. Originally, I had planned to drive the Aston-Martin, hoping vainly that the joy of driving would distract me from the pain of leaving my love and my life behind in Forks. Eventually, I had to be honest with myself that there was nothing that would provide any comfort, and I agreed to have it shipped instead. The uninspiring Volvo sat where I had known it would be, and I slowed.

"Hi!" Alice chirped. She had been perched on the hood of the Volvo, and leaped lightly down, dancing over to where I emerged from the woods. She was trying to be her usual excited self, but the glumness couldn't help but shine through anyways.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" Though part of me was glad to see her, I couldn't help the frustration in my tone. I didn't need her to batter my resolve now. I gritted my teeth as the pain in my chest flared at the thought.

She tilted her head to the side. "I'm taking the Volvo to race Rosalie to Ithaca, and then I'm going to sell it." The smile on her face looked a little pained, but she gave it her best shot. _She thinks she can take me in the M3, but I know where all the traffic jams are going to be._

"Sell the Volvo?" I paused, confused, and then recovered myself. Of course Alice had seen that the car would hold too many memories. I remembered the darkened streets of Port Angeles, and the fateful conversation on the way back to Forks…. I could feel myself starting to gasp again, and willed myself to keep my breathing even.

Alice waited patiently for me. "I'll take care of it for you. By the way, you'll want these…." She handed me a small silver cell phone, a couple spare cell phone batteries, and a small roll of cash in Canadian currencies.

I took them without question this time. The tiny cell phone and batteries went into my jacket pocket, along with the cash. "I'm not going to Ithaca, am I?" Although it was a question, it sounded like a statement.

Alice peered up at my face, her timeless eyes boring into mine. _I don't know where you're going, I can only see that no matter where you go, you'll be in pain._ She winced as possible visions of me flashed across her mind.

I took some comfort that in none of those visions was I back in Forks with Bella. I was going to be strong enough to leave her. The panic eased slightly, and the pain in my chest seemed to dull a degree and expand. I ached with emptiness.

"Edward…" she began.

"No, Alice. We're not discussing this again," I ground out emphatically.

"Edward," she plunged on, "once I'm away from Forks, I won't be able to see Bella's future anymore. She's human, and even though I love her dearly, my vision just isn't that sharp for humans. What if something happens to her? What if something's going to happen to her, and I can't let you know…in time…?" Alice's face twisted into a delicate grimace. _I don't want to see her get any more hurt than she already is._

I froze in place at the image of Bella's pained face staring at me from my memory, followed quickly by an unclear image of Bella threatened by some unknown danger in the future. I hadn't expected this. Leave it up to Alice to come up with the fatal flaw in my plans. Could I leave Bella with no protection against the human dangers? I could remove the supernatural ones, but of course, Bella just seemed to attract catastrophes….

Alice seemed to consider her words carefully. "I could come back to Forks every once in a while just to check on her.... I could let you know how she was doing, and make sure she was going to be okay...."

"No!" I growled. How desperately I wanted what she was suggesting! Clearly, it had to be wrong, if I wanted it that badly. Eventually, I knew I'd use Alice's reports as a justification to come back myself, just to check on Bella….

Alice could tell I was torn. "How would you feel if we discovered that something dreadful had happened to her, like…." She struggled to come up with some disaster that hadn't yet happened to Bella. "The school cafeteria roof could collapse, and Bella could be trapped inside!" she finally exclaimed, beaming and looking pleased with herself.

Yes, that was a new one even I hadn't thought of. Some part of me wanted to laugh at Alice and her usual antics, but a bigger part of me realized that I couldn't remember how to smile, let alone laugh. I settled for glaring back at her weakly, while the thoughts spun in my head. The pain in my chest seemed to hover uncertainly, disarmed by my slight hesitation.

_I'm uneasy about Bella. I keep getting worrying glimpses that say she might not recover from this very well. I'm sure it's going to be tougher for her than you think it is._ The smile seemed to melt slowly off of Alice's face. I couldn't help but see some of the glimpses she had seen, and I shut them out instinctively. Meanwhile, the pain in my chest seemed to come crashing down on me again as my resolve strengthened.

Bella _would_ recover. She had to. And she would live out whatever human life she was originally meant to have, before I came into her life and nearly destroyed it. When she died, it would be a human death, and her beautiful, intact soul would be welcomed into heaven, into a place of peace and rest that I would never know.

I had to make this happen! I loved her too much to do otherwise.

Despite my agonizing, I made myself sound certain. "Alice, neither you nor any of the others are to come to Forks again while Bella is there. You make sure _everyone_ knows that. I don't want you looking forward into her future. You can forget looking for mine too, for that matter. It doesn't matter anymore." I sounded convinced, but I couldn't quite meet her concerned, questioning eyes.

There was a long pause while Alice assessed my mood. Eventually, she decided to give in...for the moment, at least. _I tried, Bella. Forgive me, _she sighed internally. "I will let everyone know your decision. I won't look for your future, but sometimes, I see anyways…." she trailed off.

"I'll be fine. Thank you for coming to see me off." My tone was tightly controlled. The dull painful ache in my chest was swelling now that the hope was gone, cresting like a wave, and I had just about reached the limit of polite conversation that I could handle.

"When will you come home?" she inquired quietly, looking down at the ground.

I looked at Alice, truly my best friend in the world, and I knew I was hurting her by staying away. I didn't want to hurt either her or the others, but it couldn't be helped. I couldn't go home yet. Home had somehow ceased to mean what it had once meant, and I knew I wouldn't find comfort there with my family. Would it ever be home again?

In a gesture I hoped would tell her all the things I wasn't able to say, I pulled Alice into a quick embrace, willing her to understand just how much her support had meant to me, particularly these last six months, the most chaotic and wonderful months of my existence. I wanted her to know how much I appreciated that she loved Bella, too. But now I had to prove my love for Bella by doing what was right, regardless of what it did to me…or my family. I hoped they would understand someday.

"I don't know," I finally replied, and I pulled away from her. The need to move took over. I picked up speed, angling to the north, now that I knew where I was going. I was going to run. I just didn't know when I was going to stop.

The scenery raced past me in a blur, and I barely noted the changes - from forest to mountains to prairie and eventually back to forest again. My body kept up a nearly even pace as I flew across the uneven ground, not braking for rivers or steep terrain, and only barely acknowledging the existence of lakes. I tended to detour around those, at least the bigger ones. Steep mountains were especially appreciated when they came along, as I beat my body into submission against them, scaling impossible cliffs at a breakneck pace.

After a while, I really didn't notice my body anymore, except for the pain in my chest. I now knew the pain for what it was – a ghostly wound located exactly where my heart had been. Sometimes the pain was sharp, like the jabbing of a knife. Sometimes it was dull, and spread out from my chest to the rest of my body. Then it throbbed, almost like the heartbeat I had been missing for so long.

I was also wracked with a suffocating panic that caused me to gasp for breath on occasion. The panic came and went, and as time went on, it subsided slowly into something else.

Shortly after departing Forks, I had felt a weak sense of victory. I had finally been strong enough to leave Bella, as I had promised myself I would do all along. As this sense of victory wore off, the realization of what my life would be from now on settled deeper into my bones. The panic was gradually replaced by a deep depression that seemed to smother me. When the waves of depression threatened to engulf me, breathing became difficult again, more torturous, like trying to breathe deep underwater. Sometimes, I didn't bother to fight it, and gave up breathing for minutes, even hours at a time.

For all this, my body was actually under better control than my mind. I could not keep it silent, as much as I wished to do so!

A small part of my mind was busy scanning my surroundings for conscious thought. It would be best to completely avoid the company of humans at this point. I was moving way too fast, and for once, I was not bothering to notice whether the sun shined on my cold, hard, inhuman skin. Some reckless part of me didn't care. So what if I was spotted? What was the worst that could happen? The Volturi would descend upon me and cease this wretched existence of mine. Except for the effect that would have on my family, I would have welcomed that. So, to avoid tempting fate, for my family alone, I took a wide detour around any thoughts detected in the lonely countryside through which I ran.

Another part of my mind kept tabs on Bella. Obviously, there was no way to know what was really happening with her. But I knew enough about her schedule this year to know approximately where she'd be at any given moment. In my mind, I watched her go to school, chat with Angela at lunch, make dinner for her father, do her homework, and e-mail her mother. These thoughts were the most calming for me. With me gone, her life could return to its previous rhythm. She was the most beautiful, kind, and fascinating person in existence. Surely, many wonderful opportunities would open themselves up for her, and I passed the time envisioning some of them. Her shining future – intact, whole, and human. The last and greatest gift I could ever give her.

In contrast to the peace that the thought of her future brought me, the last part of my mind was engaged in a furious debate, desperate longing against iron-willed conscience. I replayed every minute of my time with Bella, cursed as I was with my perfect recall. I tormented myself with both the most wonderful moments of our time together and the moments of danger and despair that made me cringe. It seemed like neither side could win. Just when I would remember a quiet evening, Bella sighing in her sleep next to me, then I would remember Bella lying bandaged and broken in the hospital. Or worse - my own brother poised to kill her. The agony of the debate just went on and on….

A week passed this way. I had made it through the first week. Now I had to concentrate on making it through the second week. It didn't seem to be getting any easier, and I recalled the time I had tried to stay away from Bella in the beginning. I had failed her then. I would not fail her now! I just had to keep going. As long as I kept running, I kept her safe.

I could smell it before I could hear it. And I could hear it before I could see it. When I saw it, I slowed down, and abruptly came to a halt. Part of me wanted to keep going anyways.

The North Atlantic Ocean spread out before me - angry grey-blue waves with rolling white caps atop them. The wild surf broke against a harsh rocky beach littered with boulders and driftwood, deserted except for a couple of seagulls, which quickly took flight when they sensed my presence. I moved forward the last few feet to stand close to where the waves battered the shoreline.

I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at the unforgiving sea. I was going to have to admit defeat, or at the least, a temporary truce. I had run as long as I could, and time had caught up with me, as I had known that it would eventually. I needed to stop and assess.

Physically, my body showed no strain from my recent exertions - it never would. My clothes hadn't fared as well. I noticed for the first time that I had lost my shoes and socks at some point. The rest of my clothes were ripped and torn where they'd come between the harsh wilderness and my unyielding body. For once, I looked like a nomad, and I frowned at the similarity. I still had the cell phone, batteries, and money Alice had given me. I still had my wallet and ID. And of course, I had a pretty good idea of where I was, even though I had never been here before.

Mentally and emotionally, I was a wreck. I knew that. But I needed to focus now. I should let my family know where I was. That was the responsible thing to do. They had been worried these past few weeks, no doubt.

I slotted a fresh battery into the phone and saw with surprise that I was able to get a signal where I was standing. After a moment's consideration, I dialed Carlisle's number. It would be safe to talk to Carlisle.

"Hi, Edward! I'm so glad to hear from you." Alice trilled.

I groaned audibly. "Alice, I told you not to check up on me," I growled back at her.

"I knew about this call well before you took off. I also know when you're coming home, so don't give me grief when I'm here waiting for you to arrive." Alice sounded offended, as if I'd besmirched her honor, which I suppose I had.

I apologized. "I'm sorry. I'm not in the best frame of mind at the moment." That was an understatement.

Her voice softened. "I know."

"What's happening? Why do you have Carlisle's phone?" I asked, a little worried. As Carlisle was almost always on call for the hospital, wherever he worked, he was rarely parted from it.

Alice's voice was soothing. "Don't be concerned. We're all fine _here_." I didn't miss the emphasis she added to the last word. "Jasper's in class. Esme's working on one of her restoration projects. Emmett and Rosalie are out shopping. Carlisle's up in his study." She paused, and went on a touch more quietly. "I was a little worried that if you spoke to him first, you wouldn't bother to talk to anyone else, and I really wanted to hear your voice. It's been…hard…here…without you." She sighed softly to herself.

I closed my eyes in sadness. I hated to cause my favorite sister such pain. "Alice," I mumbled, "I don't want to hurt you or anyone else with my madness. I'm so sorry." My voice hitched as I said it.

A little dam of emotion broke inside me, and a wave of grief seemed to wash over me. There was nothing left to me – my love, my life, my family. Nothing. I fell to my knees without being conscious of doing so. My head swam in a strange way, and I lowered it down to the rocks without meaning to do so. I felt so heavy. The grief of my empty existence overpowered me for a time.

At some point, I realized I could hear Alice yelling, and I opened my eyes again. It took a minute to recognize that the phone hung limply in one hand against the rocks. I pushed it back up against my ear. "I'm here. I just…needed a moment." I struggled to reorganize my thoughts.

"Edward, I'm going to go get Carlisle." Alice must be really worried about me, I realized. Otherwise, she wouldn't have given up on me so quickly. I wondered how bad I sounded to her.

Only a moment passed. "Edward." Carlisle's sincere and measured tone reassured me to no end, helped me to find myself. Yes, he was definitely the one I needed to talk to now.

"Carlisle." As I said his name, my memory flashed back to a time when it was just the two of us, trying to make our way in a world not meant for us. I'd asked him for advice so many times since then, almost always seeking to do what he deemed right. He hadn't agreed with my decision to leave Bella, but he had understood that I needed to follow my conscience. And he had vowed to support me in that.

"Edward, are you in danger? Have you come to any harm?"

"No, I've spent some time in the wilderness. I haven't run across anyone or anything." First and foremost, I needed to reassure him that I was being responsible. I wasn't endangering myself or the family. No matter how I felt, I owed them that.

His voice was more relaxed, but by only the slightest degree. "Is there anything you need?"

There was nothing I needed that he could give me. My eyes closed again, and I could envision what I needed so clearly, I could see it shimmer behind my eyelids. A dark house at night, a rusted red pickup in front…. I gasped once or twice, and quickly got a better grip on myself. Surely, he had noticed my hesitation. "No, I don't need anything."

"How are you holding up?" His quiet question had many layers of meaning to it.

I stared out at the rocks of the eastern shore, which weren't the comforting forests of home. I answered the easiest part of his question. "I am holding fast to my resolve. I won't be heading back to Forks anytime soon." I wondered if Carlisle was hoping that I would continue to follow my conscience, or succumb to my selfish desires and provide him with another daughter to love. I knew he had begun to love her already….

"Do you think you could come home instead?" He loved me too, and always had. I didn't deserve it. He had fought for me even when I wouldn't fight for myself. He had given me a home and a family through his determination and unbending goodness. He didn't realize that home to me no longer meant where my family lived.

"I'm not really good company at the moment. If Esme sees me this way, she'll worry, and there's really nothing she can do. I'll just make the others sad or angry, depending."

Carlisle's tone was direct, not pleading or badgering as the others' might have been. "Do you think she's less worried not knowing where you are or what you're up to?"

I sighed. Why couldn't I stop hurting the people I loved most? "Of course not," I admitted, "but all the same, I won't be coming home any time soon."

"Can you give us a call once in a while, just to check in? It would give all of us considerable peace of mind."

It was a reasonable request, and I remembered the remaining cell phone battery Alice had given me when we'd parted. "Yes, I'll try to remember," I indicated to Carlisle. I wondered if the number was significant, that it meant I would make one more call before I headed home. Alice was always so good at that sort of thing.

"When was the last time you hunted?" Carlisle's voice had just a hint of concern left. Of course Carlisle would worry about something like that – that in my pain I would forget to satiate my thirst and inadvertently attack some human I encountered in the woods. I couldn't imagine being thirsty right now, even though I was undeniably so. It had been over two weeks since I last hunted.

"I'll hunt today, I promise." I was being responsible, I reminded myself, even though I didn't want any blood right now, no matter what the type. My mind drifted back to a scent that aroused all kinds of hungers within me, and I shuddered with longing. Yes, it was important that I hunt regularly to keep the monster fettered. I would not allow it to hurt another human again.

"Edward!" Carlisle had apparently been calling to me, and I hadn't noticed.

"I'm here."

"I just said, we'll miss you. Be safe," he requested.

"I'll do my best." I pressed the end key.

My hand flung back out against the rocks, and I sighed deeply. I had done my duty and now I was free from the interference of my well-meaning family for at least a little while. It was probably too much to ask for that I would get away with mostly talking to Carlisle again. I'd probably end up getting an earful from Rosalie and a drubbing from Emmett next time I called.

I lay there amongst the rocks for a while. The angry waves seemed to mirror my mood as they crashed and pulled at the shore. The sun was setting behind me, and gray shadows were stealing over the beach. Pink clouds floated away in the eastern sky.

I was alone - there was no way I could do anything dangerous to anyone in my current state. I had expended all of the energy I had for being responsible for the moment. I couldn't stop myself any longer. I let my mind take me where it willed.

I checked in with Bella. It was about 2 PM back home – she was just getting out of Spanish and heading to Chemistry.

She wouldn't like this beach, I knew - too cold for her. Maybe she would go to college in Florida, where she could lay out on the warm sands, with a beach towel and a book… Part of my mind spun a beautiful fantasy life for her there amongst the palm trees, and I dwelled there with her for a while. I was allowed, I argued with myself – it was my leaving that made it possible. Surely now that she was safe, I could be allowed just this one moment of happiness. The pain in my chest lifted again, and I filled my lungs full of sweet ocean air….

Suddenly, the fantasy disappeared, and my lungs collapsed with a whoosh. What if something happened to Bella in Chemistry class? I had been her lab partner before. Someone as clumsy as Bella in a lab class that required working with acids and flame – it was a recipe for disaster. I'd caught numerous flasks and beakers as they'd tumbled from our workbench already, and the school year had barely started. The human dangers, as Alice had warned me….

_No, Edward, don't even start. You are the danger to her, not Chemistry class. You're not going back to Forks, and you will never see Bella again._

As I thought those fateful words, the pain crashed back upon me. It pierced my chest, sucked at my limbs, and clouded my head. I curled in tighter, and gritted my teeth as it washed through me. I held on. It felt like it would carry me away.

I couldn't rein in the debate that raged its way back and forth across my skull, and the infinitely powerful emotions that warred in my chest as a result. I didn't notice the time again until the waves started licking at my hair. The tide was coming in, and I couldn't stay here forever. The sun had set, and a heavy cloud cover seemed to be flowing in from the west.

_Get up, Edward. You're going to be responsible again. It's time to feed the monster._

I picked myself up off the rocky beach that had become a wayside for me for a few hours. I headed inland, back into the woods. I hunted carefully, but indiscriminately. I didn't care if the monster enjoyed the feast or not. I made sure it was adequate to last me a couple of weeks.

When I decided I was done, I was standing alone in the dark, moonless night, with nowhere to go.

Part of me answered that this had gone on long enough. If I found an airport, even a small one, I could be back in Forks tomorrow. I could find Bella at school, pull her out of class, and take her away somewhere we could be alone together. I'd beg her to forgive me – my lies, my foolishness. And as little as I deserved it, I knew she'd come willingly into my open arms, all soft and fragrant. She'd reach her hands up to shape themselves around my face, so warm….

A string of profanities, words I had very rarely ever used, wandered through my conscious mind, as I realized how far I'd let my desires get this time. _Not now, not ever!_

I couldn't be still. I had to _do_ something. Like the run I'd taken across the continent. Otherwise, the debate would consume me, and temptation would eventually overcome my control.

Of course, I could just run back west - to the north, of course, not anywhere near Washington. I'd head for Alaska, ultimately. I'd have to make a wide detour around Denali. I didn't want to face Tanya and her sisters any more than I wanted to face my own family.

As soon as I had decided, I was underway again. It took only a few minutes to settle back into the groove I'd set on my way east. It wasn't comfortable, but it was bearable. As the sun set on my face almost a day later, I smiled grimly, thinking that I'd finally found a way to keep myself safe for Bella. I could keep this up for _years_.

I ghosted northwest to the northernmost point of Quebec, crossed the Hudson Strait and kept going west across the inhospitable but mostly unpopulated northern Canadian provinces. Another week and a half passed, and my pace kept steady. This run was very different from the last – instead of forests and prairie, I was crossing tundra and snowfields. I beat my way back west across the mountains, indifferent to the cold, and found myself crossing into Alaska. I flew across the North Slope to the western coast, and slowly ground to a halt on a frozen cliff, looking down at a very different sea.

This one was, if possible, even less hospitable than the last. The waves were huge and choppy, the wind was fierce, and the sea spray constantly blew up past me to freeze as it hit my skin. I wiped it off indifferently as it formed. I couldn't call my family from here, I decided. No one could possibly hear me over the racket the sea was making.

However, as I had before, I took stock of my condition. My clothes were even more ragged, the pain and the panic just as insistent, and my mind just as frenzied as it had been before. Well, I supposed I needed to get some new clothes at some point. That meant coming into contact with civilization. I wasn't quite certain how I was going to manage that.

I briefly considered crossing into Russia and continuing my run from there. It was a possibility for the future. This time, I decided I wasn't going to let the coastline stop me. After less than a minute's pause, I turned to run south following the coast, eventually turning more to the east. Days passed as I crossed back into Canada on my third journey across the continent.

However, something was different this time. Every once in a while, a new thought flashed across my busy mind. Brief, but insistent. _You're getting closer to Bella._ Without thinking about it, my body swayed just a bit to the south. I deliberately corrected myself when this happened. It doesn't matter how close you get to Bella, I told myself. But somehow, I didn't believe it. I knew that I'd feel better just being closer to her, even if I didn't get close enough to see her.

It had now been almost exactly a month since I had left Bella's side in the misty forests of home. September was over and October well underway. Nothing had changed for me except that my clothes were slowly shredding into rags. My thoughts and emotions were still ravaged by pain and regret. And here I was, running through some very familiar-feeling forests not too many miles to the north of where I started.

I could remember our last parting with perfect clarity. I could feel the heat of her body standing close to mine, and the pull of her nearly overpowering scent. I could see the look in her eyes as she listened to my traitorous lies and believed them with all her heart. _No! Bella, how could you believe them? Don't you know that you're the most marvelous woman alive, that my whole existence revolves around you, that every breath, every step means nothing without you to give them meaning? How could I leave you thinking so little of your hold on me?_

This line of thought was dangerous, and the furious debate in my mind was starting to tip in the wrong direction. My arguments for returning seemed to be getting stronger, and my arguments for staying away seemed to be getting weaker.

My mind searched desperately for an alternative. I angled farther north, making sure that my trajectory didn't take me any closer to Bella as I ran. Eventually I left the forests and entered the mountains again. This seemed to help.

However, the fight against Bella's pull had weakened my resolve to keep going, and belatedly, I remembered that I was supposed to be keeping in touch with my family. I sighed, eventually coming to rest on a rocky outcropping. I whipped the cell phone back out of my pocket, and replaced the battery. Once again, amazingly, I could get a signal. I really needed to thank Alice for that. I dialed her number.

"Edward." It was Jasper's voice. He'd known it would be me.

"Jasper? What are you doing with Alice's phone?" My family seemed to be playing tricks on me. This was hardly fair – my mind was already scrambled enough.

"She got the impression from your last conversation that you didn't want to talk to her. So she gave me her phone today." He sounded disapproving. Clearly I'd hurt her feelings, which he had picked up on, of course.

"Why would I call her number then, if I didn't want to talk to her?" As much as I loved her, Alice was often hard to predict. Bella had been just as hard to predict, and some of the things she'd done had made my mind whirl, they were so strange to me. I drifted, as I thought of a few.

Finally, I heard an exasperated sigh. Jasper had been trying to get my attention, it seemed.

"Sorry about that. I'm here." I said, still a bit dazed.

"Are you coming home now? You know how much Esme would love to hear that." Jasper's voice was carefully controlled, but I knew him well enough to know that he was also hoping that I'd return.

I _could_ keep running forever and never see my family again. If that was what it took to keep Bella safe, I would do it. But my family missed me – that much was clear. Could I handle being still long enough for a visit? Could I handle their comments and criticisms? Worse, could I handle their silence as they tried to avoid reminding me of my pain – pretending nothing was different, that nothing had changed? I held my breath for a moment, considering.

It would be the responsible thing to do, of course. If it got to be too much for my self-control, I could just take off running again. I hesitated again, gazing at the steep mountains surrounding me, and wondered what I had to lose in giving it a try.

"Yes," I nearly spat out the word, feeling a bit begrudging about it. Why did they all have to be so pleased about having my worthless self nearby? "I'm on my way. I'll need to get myself cleaned up and changed, and I'll be on foot, so it will be a while until I arrive."

"That's good to hear." There was a long pause between us. "Edward…" Jasper began, and stopped.

I waited for him. Sometimes it took Jasper a bit longer than the rest of us to find just the right words.

"I want to help you." He sounded a bit pained, which surprised me.

"What do you mean?" What could he possibly do for me?

"Edward…I've got a bit more ability to influence emotion than perhaps I've always let on. I know you know that I occasionally hold back." Jasper sounded even more hesitant, as he continued. "But if you were to consent, I could help you bury some of the conflict you're feeling for a while. It might make it easier to…be at peace with yourself, while you're home."

As I processed this unusual offer from my brother, he continued in a low voice. "I want to do what I can."

"Thank you, Jasper. This…means a lot to me." And it did. Jasper rarely went this far out on a limb for the family, except for Alice. He'd use his abilities for us, certainly. Fight for us anytime. But, unless it was for Alice, he'd always hold just a little bit of himself back. He was always saving one last trick in case it was needed for an escape for the two of them, or at the very least, for Alice. But the tone in his voice now was different – he clearly meant that he would use _all_ of his abilities for me.

I guess I'd always known that Jasper felt a bond for me – a brother who understood more than anyone else did about the perils of our somewhat similar gifts - gifts that connected us to the people surrounding us in such intimate ways. But I don't think I'd realized until now that he felt close enough to me to trust me quite this deeply. I felt guilty that I hadn't seen it earlier.

"We'll see you soon, then," he finished, perhaps a bit embarrassed himself.

"Yes, soon." I confirmed, and hit the end key. I hopped up off my perch, and once again, I was off.

I was amazed enough that I was going to accept his offer. I'd often wondered just how powerful his gifts could be. And it was tempting to have someone try to erase some of the pain that held on to me, even in my most peaceful moments. Would it work? Did I want it to? Would losing the pain of separation from Bella be akin to losing what little I had left of Bella in me?

As Ithaca loomed closer and closer, for the first time since leaving Bella, I was looking forward to something. To what, I had no idea.

© 2009 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton


	2. Chapter 2 Ithaca

**Ithaca**

As I had promised, I arrived in Ithaca less than a week later, free of the grime of my journeys and sporting a new set of clothes. As always, I'd have to thank Alice for her assistance. We were all quite dependent on her at times – I wondered what we would ever do if we lost her.

We moved back into the farmhouse we stayed in during our previous time in upstate New York. That was in the early 1960s, after Alice and Jasper had joined the Cullen family. Carlisle had taught briefly at Cornell, using some trusted friends from previous positions to provide him with references, and laughing when the Cornell staff seemed to be expecting someone in their fifties. This time, apparently, he planned to pose as his own son, tacking a "Jr." on to the end of his name for effect. He was concerned that a few previous students, now in their sixties or seventies, might notice how much he resembled his 'father'. But it seemed likely that no one would guess the real truth. He was hoping I would meet a few of them, and determine the possible extent of their suspicions.

I stepped warily out of the familiar woods. I wasn't exactly certain what my reception would be.

"Edward?" Alice called to me, as I approached in the twilight. She was sitting alone on the steep front steps of the farmhouse.

"Alice," I breathed. It was good to see her.

I came to a stop in front of her, and realized how much I had gone through since I had seen her last. I felt a million years old, and more weary than I could ever physically claim to be.

She stared up at me with her fathomless eyes, and quicker than I expected, her arms were around me in a reassuring hug. After a moment, my arms went around her too, and I relaxed. She felt so strong – it was a relief to let her hold me up for just a moment.

Running for days…weeks…months…had made sense to me at the time. I had needed the catharsis of movement to keep me sane. But as Alice drew back to gaze at me sadly – much like she had next to the Volvo – I knew I was done. My family needed me. I would try to be a good son and a good brother to them.

My presence didn't put _them_ in any danger.

"Hey, Edward! I knew it was you. 'Bout time you got here," Emmett boomed from the top of the steps. He stood at ease, an arm hanging easily around Rosalie's shoulders. He was clearly pleased to see me.

Rosalie looked a bit stiff. "_It's about time Edward got here,"_ she thought, her usual petulance mixed with some amount of actual concern. She looked a little startled at my appearance. I could sense her reluctance as she thought, _"He looks…somehow…different…."_

I saw myself through three sets of eyes, and realized that I looked strangely haggard. My dress was impeccable, my skin and hair as invulnerable as always. But, there was something in my stance that implied a weariness my body would never feel. There was also something about my eyes that was different. As I had made sure to feed just before arriving home, they were the same golden as always. But they looked distant, haunted. Jasper sometimes looked that way, when he thought about his earlier days as a vampire. I hadn't understood that look until now….

Alice interrupted my thoughts with a slightly forced but warm smile on her face, and pulled me by the hand up into the house. "Let me show you your room! We've made a few changes while waiting for you."

Emmett and Rosalie trailed along behind us, as we all trooped up into the house and up the stairs to the second floor. I started to turn left toward my old room, but Alice pulled me to the right, explaining, "Emmett and Rosalie have purchased the adjacent property to the south, and are building a house there for themselves. So we figured you could have their room – it was so much bigger." She swept open the double doors to reveal my new room.

I could see from her thoughts that she was anxious that it be welcoming and comfortable to me. She wanted very badly for me to find refuge here, amongst my old things, and the pursuits I had once valued before my life had suddenly rearranged itself with Bella as my only priority.

I had to hand to Alice – it was decorated in exactly my style. The sound system was probably the best money could buy and was perfectly and prominently placed. A comfortable listening couch was located in precisely the right spot. My music collection was all easily accessible, as were my favorite books and papers. The color scheme was a little different than the one I usually chose – less gold and more gray. It suited my recent mood much better.

Alice glided over to the closet, and opened it, revealing a year's worth of clearly designer clothing. "Well? Is it acceptable?" She searched my face again. Her face brightened, as she saw some of the tension leaving me at the familiar surroundings. Her eyes danced.

I realized I needed to speak again. Weeks of not doing so had left me feeling strangely mute.

"Thank you, Alice. It was kind of you to get me set up here." My eyes surveyed the room again. Without thinking, I wandered vaguely over to my music shelf, lost for a moment in my collection. I hadn't heard any music since leaving Forks, either in my head or in my surroundings. I'd never gone even a day before.

I wondered if I could find some peace in my old favorites. My hand couldn't stop itself from picking Debussy off the shelf. I remembered listening to it in my car less than a year ago, when I should have been finding out my non-existent blood type. My eyes squeezed shut and my thoughts drifted. I couldn't help but remember what happened next….

_Don't look at me! This is way outta my league._ I was startled out of my reverie by Emmett's loud thoughts behind me, and realized that I had tuned everyone out for a moment. How strange. I was never able to tune out my siblings before, even when I wanted to. I turned and frowned at them.

Alice's slightly desperate look to Rosalie and Emmett was replaced by a more serene expression as I caught her eye. She shuttered her thoughts securely. "We'll just leave you to get settled for a few minutes. We'll be right downstairs if you need us." She ushered the others out backwards and closed the doors behind her.

I listened to their thoughts as they trailed back down the hall.

_He keeps getting crazier and crazier, poor guy._ Emmett winced internally, for once not joking.

_Edward's being such a drama queen, just like always._ Rosalie's acerbic thoughts mingled with some actual concern._ He'd better get over this soon – otherwise he's just going to depress everybody._

_Edward, if you're listening…please know that we're here to help._ Alice had never wondered if I was listening before. I suppose my mind had never been this scrambled before.

I deliberately placed the Debussy back on the shelf. I pulled out a few of my other favorites and settled down onto my new couch to listen to them.

On the one hand, it felt remarkably like being at home - the home I had known before Bella. Emmett and Rosalie were telling Alice about the progress on their new house downstairs, and I could hear the TV on in the background. I could look around and see my things and try to remember what my life had been like a year ago.

A year ago, I was a junior in Forks High School, taking a slate of lackluster classes from some truly mediocre teachers. In my spare time, I worked on the Aston-Martin and conspired with Alice on Jasper's self-control issues. I searched the internet for new music, and composed when the urge struck me. We'd been in town for two years by that point, so there was little left to explore in the surrounding area. Honestly, I'd been a little bored by my easy existence at the time, and was actually looking forward to some new challenge coming my way.

Now, I had no purpose other than to resist the nearly unstoppable pull of the center of my universe, located in that same little town I'd once thought was so boring. I closed my eyes and visualized the pull, the invisible strings that stretched all the way across the continent, thin as spider silk, but a thousand times stronger. The music swelled and surged around me, and I felt ensnared, as surely as a fly, unable to fight the forces that held me captive.

Once I'd told Bella to bring on the shackles – that I was her prisoner. How delighted I'd been at the time to know just how completely true it was. How I'd laughed with joy at the thought! I'd had no idea – no idea at all what it had truly meant.

The pain in my chest was growing with the intensity of the music, and I let it have me. It was my punishment for daring to hope, to dream of having one as pure and lovely as Bella as my own. No monster deserved such happiness. I slumped over on the couch.

_Edward! Earth to Edward…come in, Edward._ Emmett had crept up the stairs, and was now hovering outside of my door.

I tensed instinctively, and then forced myself to relax as I sat up slowly, pulled from my collapse by Emmett's unusually quiet call. "Come in," I muttered. I wasn't certain how long good manners would keep him outside the door in any case.

As he entered, I realized that I was mildly unnerved by my initial reaction to him — that Emmett was somehow a threat. I dismissed it as too being too long away from people. What else could it be?

_Just visiting the inmate. _He grinned playfully at me. In his mind, it was clear I was an inmate in an asylum rather than a prison. His thoughts were a touch smug, as he remembered distracting Rosalie and Alice with a discussion about fabric swatches for the new house and then slipping away from the conversation. Apparently, Alice was attempting to keep everyone away until she was sure I wanted company. _It was hard getting up here._

I wasn't sure I liked the idea of needing protection from my family. Emmett might be insensitive at times, but he couldn't make me feel worse than I already felt. "It's harder being up here," I whispered.

"Then let's get out. I can show you the house Rose and I are building. You're going to love it!" His enthusiasm was hard to miss.

To Emmett, all problems were simple, and simply solved. If I didn't enjoy being in my room, I should leave it. If I was miserable being without Bella, then I should be with her. If only the world were as Emmett saw it.

I sighed, but indicated for him to lead the way. He launched himself out my window without a sound, and I followed.

It was almost instantly better in the woods, moving again, the emotional music gone. I followed just barely behind him, wishing we could go faster. Too quickly, we arrived at a construction site.

"There was an old farmhouse here, but it was too far gone to renovate. We saved a few windows, some of the wood, and the stone from the foundation, but almost all of it had to be demolished. Let me show you what we've got planned. The basement, of course, will house the sports complex – you'll have to come over a lot…." He was striding away into the half-completed structure, which glimmered like a ghost in the barest moonlight.

I followed, and for Emmett's sake, I did my best to be interested. Emmett described the construction with an enthusiasm bordering on fanaticism, using his large but agile hands to outline features that weren't yet in place. It was huge, of course, and both Esme and Rosalie were in on the overall design. Emmett loved this sort of thing – big and physical. And yet, here his strength was applied with a more delicate touch than elsewhere. He often corrected structural flaws after the workmen had departed for the day, ones that wouldn't have been noticed for years otherwise. He also really enjoyed getting his hands dirty, something much more tolerated on a construction site than in Esme's immaculate home.

Usually, I was very interested in these renovation projects. I had always helped Esme with her projects, having taken an early interest in architecture. In a similar way, I had always helped the others with their various undertakings, and that included getting my hands dirty with Emmett. But today, I couldn't pay as much attention as usual. This house seemed a little…less clear, less colorful to me than previous projects we'd tackled.

He had led us down into the basement, where it was obvious most of the work was his own. It was of much better quality. And then, most of the work down here would be completely incomprehensible to the regular construction workers. "…need better tensile strength in the reinforced concrete…" "You know what Jasper's golf swing is like…" "…blasting down another ten feet into the bedrock…" It was clear Emmett was planning on being here for a while, and we both knew the winters here could be bleak. So, he was planning a full slate of indoor amusement to complement his usual winter activity regimen.

Emmett concluded his tour in the backyard, where a stout limb high up in a handy oak tree showed the site off to its best advantage. He had just finished extolling the virtues of the landscaping plan they'd implemented, when he innocently commented, "Can't you see yourself building one of these someday?"

Unfortunately, I could. Unlike the _grand maison_ he was showing me, I envisioned a much smaller cottage – warm, intimate and inviting. It was placed in the woods of home, just as it ought to be, and there was someone walking with me to the door. She turned her head to smile at me with so much trust in her eyes that it took my breath away – so much more beautiful than the cottage, so much more beautiful than anything…. I heard myself gasping for breath again, and nearly fell forward off the limb as my body curled instinctively inward.

Emmett broke out of his reverie and put a supporting hand on my shoulder. Again, I tensed to fight at the sudden touch, the urge to protect myself strong. I shook myself slightly to clear my head, but Emmett didn't notice._ Ummm…sorry about that. I wasn't thinking. I'm not supposed to do anything that reminds you of her._ His expression turned rueful. "I guess I really botched that one."

I knew he wasn't too worried about it, which was good. I regained control of myself, eventually, and forced my body to straighten out of the defensive position it was striving to achieve. The gasping slowed by degrees.

_You're such a mess. I thought you were crazy before – man, was I wrong!_ He chuckled to himself. He looked at me appraisingly.

Something seemed to occur to him. "You're having a hard time listening to our thoughts when you're so distracted thinking about Bella, aren't you?" And then a second thought occurred to him. "This would be the perfect time to give it a go!" He grabbed my shoulder, and pulled me off the branch with him. We both hit the forest floor with barely a thud, landing easily on our feet.

I knew what he wanted. He'd always wanted to fight me with my 'extra hearing' turned off. This seemed like the perfect time to him.

Before he could get into position, I grabbed his arm and tugged him back. "It's not like that Em…." I trailed off, unable to look directly into his face.

"Then what is it like? Tell me about it. I promise not to tell anyone." Untroubled, he gazed directly at me with an open expression.

I turned away from him to stare at his half-finished house. I walked to the edge of the forest and sat down, curling up my knees and resting my arms atop them, dropping my head. He joined me as I struggled to find the words to explain the phenomena that had been bothering me.

"Sometimes I think of her…" My breathing started to speed here, but I forced myself to continue on. "Something we did together, something she said…" I was curling up again, but I fought it. I wanted to get this out. "And I get lost in that world where she and I are together, and I have a hard time finding my way back to the here and now."

Emmett seemed confused by this, so I continued, "I'm so tired of the pain of trying to live without her that my mind is playing tricks on me. I'm worried that at some point, my mind won't bother with the return trip." I let this sink in for a moment. "You've always called me crazy. Maybe you're right."

"I was kidding! We can't go crazy." There was a pause while he thought about it. "Can we?"

"I think I'll ask Carlisle. He probably already knows."

"He'd be a good one to ask." Emmett shrugged lightly. I could see in his thoughts that he wasn't worried about me.

He surprised me with his next thought. _Hey, thanks for confiding in me._

"Why? I don't want to burden anyone with my insanity. Even you."

_I miss having you around, brother. No offense to Bella – I love the girl, and still think you're crazy for leaving her – but we used to spend a lot more time together before she came along. I understood when it was just you wanting to spend all of your time with her. Heck, I was just like that with Rosalie! But when you left Bella, you cut all of us out completely. We didn't know what you were going through at all. I guess it's just nice to know that you still trust me, you know, enough to confide in me - even if it is just crazy talk. _He grinned. _I'm not worried. You'll get through this. You're almost as tough as I am._

It was a long speech for Emmett, who was often so much more comfortable with actions than words. As if to prove this point, he stood up and brushed himself off. "We should get back before Esme and Carlisle get home. They'll be angry at me for keeping you from them."

I lifted my head up from my knees to stare at my big brother, bigger, at least in the physical sense. He made an oddly inspiring figure, standing there so sure of himself in the moonlight. At that moment, I wished I had half his confidence. I merely nodded.

His grin widened. He started off across his future lawn. When he reached the trees on the far side, he called, "I'll race you!" before racing off in the direction of the farmhouse.

He must have thought I wasn't in the mood for racing, and was counting on beating me in some contest, despite my unwillingness to fight. But if there was one thing that I _was_ ready and willing to do, it was to run, hard and fast. I beat him easily.

For once, he didn't look as crestfallen as he usually did when I bested him. He was whistling lightly as we strolled past Carlisle's black Mercedes towards the front door. I could hear the thoughts of everyone inside the house, except for Jasper. I wondered idly where he was….

"Edward…is it you?" The distressed voice of Esme sounded from the door. "You were gone…." her voice trailed off.

Beside me, Emmett ducked his head sheepishly. "My fault," he called. "I took him to see the house. Sorry to worry you." He bounded up the stairs and through the door, giving Esme a quick peck on the cheek as he passed, and then leaving the two of us alone. He _was_ sorry to worry her, but he wasn't sorry about the trip or the time alone with me.

I felt the same. As was often the case, I was truly thankful for my forgiving, easy-going brother.

Esme's silhouette was visible in the doorway. She looked so tiny compared to Emmett's massive bulk, or even my smaller frame. Not as small as Alice, but in lacking Alice's intense spark, Esme had always seemed somehow smaller. Despite the fact that she was a thousand times stronger and faster than any human, she had always seemed so delicate to me. It was clear that I had hurt her immensely during my time away, and I was very sorry about it. She deserved so much better for her many years of loving me as selflessly as she did.

When I came closer, she studied my face and seemed to linger on my eyes for just a moment. She was both calmed and alarmed by my appearance. She took a deep breath.

I dashed up the stairs to embrace her, hoping to reassure her in a way that words would not, that I was as fine as I had any hope to be.

After a long moment, she drew back shakily, and murmured, "Welcome home."

"Thanks, Mom." I tried to sound as casual as I could. But whenever the word 'home' was spoken, I was reminded of what I now considered my true home and how much I missed being there. The spasm of pain crossed my face regardless of my efforts to control it and Esme saw it. She gave a worried sigh, and then reached gently for my hand to pull me into the light of the house.

Emmett had settled in next to Rosalie to watch television. Rosalie's thoughts hadn't changed much, but Emmett's were now much more serene. He wasn't worried about me anymore.

Alice was perched on a stool in the kitchen, where plans for Esme's renovation were spread out on the counter. She glanced up at me, and smiled warmly. Then she was thinking very hard about what she was doing again, shutting me out. I didn't attempt to decipher what she was keeping from me. I'd find out eventually.

Carlisle was standing at the foot of the stairs, waiting tensely. He was still dressed from work, and he too studied me when I came into view. Carlisle's direct appraisal was refreshing. He assessed me, and found me physically whole. He had worried that I would find a way to hurt myself permanently. He had heard rumors of such things, though he'd never seen it himself. Unlike the others, Carlisle had expected me worse than he found me. His thoughts flickered to my mental condition, and quickly shuffled away, aware that I was listening.

It was precisely my mental condition that I was hoping to discuss with him. But now was apparently not the time.

Esme and Carlisle drew me into the living room, where they pressed me for details of the time I'd been away. While it had seemed to last a million years to me, it had also been mostly a blur in my memory, so there truly was little to relay. To my relief, the conversation eventually turned to what they'd been up to in Ithaca.

Carlisle's re-insertion into Cornell had gone well, with the staff swallowing the 'Junior' story easily enough. He was still interested in having me join him at a few faculty gatherings so I could assess a few of the harder-to-read staff members.

As always, he was starting to plan our next move, should we need to depart from Ithaca in a hurry. Carlisle wanted to run his plans past me for a second opinion. I'd always assisted him with this task, ever since the beginning, although Jasper was really the expert on that sort of thing. It was second nature for Jasper to have an escape plan ready, for obvious reasons.

_Poor boy, he's really suffering._ I couldn't help but pick up on Esme's concerned tone. _Things turned out so differently than I had hoped._

Despite herself, she was remembering earlier dreams that Bella would join the family permanently and continue to bring me the happiness she'd seen in my face for those short few months. My mouth gaped open, as I gazed at her face and drowned in her happy imaginings for a while. Alert as always to those around him, Carlisle paused in his discussion to watch my reactions.

Unlike the rest of my family, Esme seemed completely content to have Bella join us as a human. She envisioned frail and fragrant Bella living with us, an integral part of our daily life. We'd cook food for her and keep the noises down at night when she was sleeping. We'd carefully follow Carlisle's example, learning to ignore her powerfully attractive scent.

Esme could see Bella with us in our activities – watching us play sports and do other physical things, but joining us in our discussions and games. She imagined Bella and me laughing, gazing at each other. In Esme's thoughts, the love in Bella's eyes was so clear. She envisioned a beautiful evening after sunset, when Bella and I would face each other under entwined garlands and exchange vows….

She shook her head almost imperceptibly to clear it, and abruptly, my beautiful movie ended. I was so wrapped up in it, I nearly cried out. Instead, I clenched my teeth to keep the sound inside. The pain in my chest rose up, never far from the surface, and my muscles tightened responsively, though I kept myself still. My eyes closed momentarily in sorrow.

After a brief struggle, I regained control, but it was an iffy thing. Perhaps I could excuse myself for a while, to go for a run….

I berated myself for the momentary thought of escape. _No, Edward. You need to be responsible, and face your family – they need you._ I steeled my will and opened my eyes again, only to see Esme's beautiful face turned toward mine, her eyes still sad.

To Esme, love and family were so much more important than anything else. She couldn't fathom how I could leave the woman I loved - no matter what the cost. It made her deeply unhappy both for me and for the whole family. And for Bella, I realized.

How quickly Bella had become a part of the family! Alice, Carlisle, and Esme all missed her, in different ways. None of them could ever miss her as much as I always would. But the longing was there. I wished I could do something to make it better.

I reached out to catch hold of Esme's hand. I couldn't help myself in trying to comfort her, even though it was impossible. I gazed over at her, imploringly.

She immediately covered my hand with her other one, and squeezed gently, with a twitch of her mouth that might have been the beginnings of a smile. _I'm here for you, Edward. Please know that you're loved._

I dropped my eyes, shamefully. Yes, I knew that I was loved. Loved by Esme, the gentlest creature that ever existed. Loved by this large, chaotic family of mine, despite my unworthiness. Loved, too, by the most beautiful, most fragile of living things, my only one, my beloved…my Bella.

How little I deserved the love she had given me! I had bruised my way into her life, turned it upside down, nearly ended it so many times, and then left as brusquely as I had entered. Despite all of it…yes, she had loved me – as much as her human heart could allow.

It had been a little over a month since I had departed. Had that human love already begun to fade? Was she already thinking of someone new?

In an instant, I had curled in on myself, unable to breathe. _No! NO! Yes? That was what I had wanted, right?_

Images of Bella gazing lovingly at someone else flooded my mind, replacing Esme's images of vows, which had so recently delighted me. I was unable to pull myself out of my stupor to stop the poison of these new and unwelcome thoughts.

I moaned, miserable, at the pain of them. Somehow, I knew I deserved the pain….

"Edward!" Esme was shaking me with all her might, which was more considerable than I had ever witnessed.

I stared up at her unknowingly for a long moment. Again, that strange instinct to defend was there, and I struggled to bite back a sudden snarl. Finally, my tense muscles relaxed, and I sucked in a deep breath. I realized that I had fallen off the chair and onto the floor, and again curled in on myself, my knees clutched tightly to my chest. I unwound myself slowly, becoming aware that everyone had gathered around me. Including Jasper.

Jasper was staring down at me with a look of mingled concern and alarm. This surprised me. From my family members I had seen concern, obviously, and some disapproval, but the strength of Jasper's wariness was impressive.

Esme helped push me back up to a sitting position._ Oh Edward, what's happened to you?_ Her question was just one version of seven nearly identical thoughts reverberating through my head, including my own.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. I pushed myself up to standing, and tried to find a wall I could back into. I didn't like the feeling of being surrounded. And I really didn't want any witnesses to my craziness.

For a long moment, nobody moved. Rosalie and Emmett were the first to break the stillness. Rosalie made an impatient noise, and went back to the television. After a slight chuckle, Emmett followed.

I realized that Jasper was standing in between Alice and me, as if I were a threat to her. Sighing, Alice gazed sadly at me, and then went back to the counter and her plans.

I continued to stare at Jasper for a moment, shocked to discover that he considered me dangerous. I wondered what my emotional state felt like to him, with his amazing sensitivity. He relaxed slightly, but was still on his guard. His look was careful and appraising.

Aggravated by the negative turn of events, I sank back into my chair, and reached up to pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingers. Esme sat down next to me, and reached for my other hand, to hold it tightly. She was trying to show her support…again. I don't know what I had ever done to deserve such a mother.

Carlisle, too, sat back down, and I could hear his thoughts over all the others'. _I wonder if he's going insane. Is that possible for one of us?_

Well, that answered my earlier question. Clearly, I was a first.

I didn't relish being the first vampire to go insane. _Maybe it would be better if I just ended my existence now, instead of waiting for Bella to die first._ _Maybe I should just get it over with_. I felt a wave of both relief and terror at the thought.

The relief I understood – anything that would end the pain of this existence had its merits. The terror was harder to explain, even to myself.

When Bella died, she would surely go to heaven, leaving me here in this empty world. When that happened, I would be even farther from her than I was now. She would be untouchable, unreachable – safe in a place where I could not follow. At that point, I would end my existence. I had no doubt of that. I couldn't live in any world where she didn't exist. There'd be no benefit to being here anymore, and on the off chance that there was an afterlife for immortals, I would be no farther from Bella there than here. But until that time came, I clung to the only proximity I allowed myself, the joy of knowing that she and I dwelled on the same world.

Maybe…maybe it wasn't worth it?

Jasper's heavy hand was on my shoulder. _Edward – it's time._ My eyes snapped open and I stared up at him for a confused moment. Was Jasper saying it was time to end my life? Would he end it for me? Our family would never forgive him for doing so, even if I begged him to do it. Was he willing anyways? Would I accept? I wasn't certain.

Belatedly, I realized that Jasper's thoughts weren't focused on my death. He was thinking about his earlier offer – to try to help me. I was bemused that I had forgotten. I got back to my feet, and apologized to Esme and Carlisle. "Do the two of you mind if I have a moment alone with Jasper?"

They looked surprised, but didn't question it. They must have realized that Jasper was up to something, and they trusted him.

"I'll be in my study, if you need me." Carlisle stood as well, to look first me, and then Jasper, meaningfully in the eye.

Esme smiled worriedly, and with one last concerned look, she wandered back over to where Alice was gazing at her plans.

Jasper gestured for me to go ahead of him out the kitchen door. Whatever it was we were going to try, he wanted us far enough away that there wouldn't be any witnesses. I was thankful. That was exactly what I wanted, as well. I'd already had one crazy spell in front of the family – I didn't need another.

Once we hit the woods, he was a blur ahead of me. I kept pace with him easily, and felt myself calming as the familiar speed worked its spell upon my frayed nerves. As we came to a stop miles from the farmhouse, I was already in a better frame of mind.

Jasper sat down along the edge of a steep gorge, feet dangling above a 200-foot drop to a small but swiftly-running brook below. I joined him, and we both stared out into the open space ahead of us in the moonlight.

He concentrated on the task before him, and with military discipline, all unnecessary thoughts disappeared. How I envied him his control!

Strange then, that he should have such a hard time controlling his bloodlust around humans, like his unexpected attack upon Bella so long ago. I could remember the force of the temptation in his thoughts, so much more a lure to him than the rest of us. Again, I wondered if there was a reason he was having a harder time than the rest of us…. Was he really not exerting the full might of his control?

It was somehow hard to believe, and at this point, I wouldn't dream of questioning Jasper's abilities or his tactics. Given my current lack of self-discipline, I was having a hard time understanding how I could have ever judged him harshly.

_Edward, you've got to learn to handle your emotions better. You've got all the emotional volatility of a newborn, _he thought, in a matter-of-fact way. I couldn't really disagree with him, so I said nothing.

_This makes you dangerous,_ he continued harshly. I felt a small stab of surprise.

"I'm not certain how," I countered defensively. "The only thing I seem to do is curl up into a ball, and lose track of time for a while." It didn't sound dangerous to me. Then again, there were the occasional strange impulses I had felt around my family, the instincts to protect and defend. Maybe he was more right than I realized.

_There are too many things that can happen when you're in such a state. You know as well as I do that we can never let our guard down, even for a moment._

I did know it - he was right. I sighed. I didn't like to be a danger to anyone.

I remembered thinking similar thoughts about Bella once – that I could never lose control with her, not even for a moment – that it was the only way to make myself safe for her. And yet I had lost control, time and time again. A few times, I had nearly lost control of myself while kissing her, or holding her. My breath sped as I remembered the feel of her warm, pliant body pressed up against mine. She was so open to me – she'd let me do anything I wanted with her. She trusted me….

"Edward!" Jasper barked out my name like a command.

Sharply, I came back to myself. I hung my head and winced. As I thought about what just happened and why I was here, I winced again.

_You've got to control yourself!_ Jasper's expression was stormy, and his shoulders were tense. Once again, I could tell he considered me dangerous.

"I always thought I knew how. I've never had reason to question it before now." I paused. "I guess that's where you come in."

He blew out his breath sharply. His expression softened, and he relaxed somewhat. He seemed about to speak, and then he hesitated, like he had on the phone.

He was thinking I had made a big mistake in leaving Bella. Like Emmett and Alice, he didn't see any problem with making Bella one of us. He had a hard time fathoming the difficulties I saw. It would make me happy; make life easier and better for the family….

"Jasper…." There wasn't any force behind my sad moan. I didn't want to argue with him when I was so weak.

Feeling the strength of my distress, he relented.

_I'm sorry, Edward. You know that I never allowed myself to get close to Bella, for obvious reasons._ He grimaced, as the memory of her scent flooded his memory. I grimaced too, feeling the pull of it all the more strongly through Jasper's sharply colored memories.

His thoughts continued. _It's just that_ _I know how much she meant to Alice. Alice truly misses Bella. You know I would do anything for Alice._

I knew. He felt the same way about Alice as I did about Bella. It was different in many aspects, but still very strong.

"Jasper, if you _knew_ that the only way to keep Alice safe was to stay away from her, would you do it?" This question, more than any other, might be the key to making him understand.

He considered it for a brief moment. I could sense from his thoughts that he would leave Alice, if it was necessary. But Jasper also knew how bleak his existence was without her sunshine to brighten it. He cringed away from even considering it too seriously.

_Edward, I'm…I'm sorry, _he thought again. I could see his sadness for me and my incredible loss, the loss of true love.

I could also see a resolution to help…something he'd discussed with Alice…no matter what the cost…. He reached out, and put his hand to my face.

He closed his eyes and concentrated on something I didn't quite understand. It was like his body was a tuning fork, and he was trying to resonate with exactly the right frequency. I felt a shimmering when he got it right.

For a time, he attuned himself completely to me.

Jasper had known enough suffering for several lifetimes. Whenever possible, he tried to avoid experiencing others' pain.

But right then and there, he empathized with me in my awful mourning, fully and completely. I felt his emotional presence, as his gift allowed him to share my grief.

I was momentarily shocked to realize that I was no longer alone. I was at the lowest point of my existence, and there was someone there with me. It was like there was someone holding my hand, helping to distract me from the pain. I knew it was not the someone whose company I naturally yearned for. Nonetheless, the presence of another was soothing. I closed my eyes and floated on the feeling, lightened by the thought that I wasn't facing it alone.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. It was endless, and yet, it was way too short. Eventually, I could feel him withdrawing. He brought himself back to the present, and he opened his eyes. Unwillingly, I did the same. His hand dropped like a stone.

His face was a mask of pain, and I recognized that pain instantly. I reached a hand out to try to comfort him, and then stopped. There was nothing I could do. How well I knew that!

Eventually, the expression receded, and he simply looked grave. I gave him time. He turned to look over at me, and his mouth hung open for a moment. His brows were once again furrowed. I could tell he was gathering his thoughts.

After a few shuddering breaths, he seemed to be recovered. _Any better?_

I wasn't exactly sure what he meant. Was he asking if the pain was any better? "It was bearable for a while there, but now…."

_Edward, think about Bella. Think about how much you want to be with her right now. _I could see him trying to remember something that I loved doing with Bella. Inspiration struck._ Remember what it was like when you could be there to watch her sleep._

His mental tone was persuasive, and somehow I just couldn't help myself from following his command. The image of Bella sleeping peacefully - her pajamas askew, her hair tumbled about her - inundated me, and I hungered for it. The yearning to join her gripped me tightly. The pain surfaced, and I crushed myself tightly to keep from crying out.

"Edward! Check your feelings! Is it any better?" Jasper was yelling directly in my ear.

Although I knew he was being quite loud, his voice still seemed so distant to me. Somewhat against my own will, I obeyed it. I concentrated, and I reached into the center of my pain. I tried to probe it. Time passed as I examined how I felt.

I was shocked to discover that I did feel just a little bit better. The feelings of grief, of longing, of terror - they were all strong enough to overwhelm me, just like before. The difference was that I was no longer completely alone. I had this vague feeling of Jasper being there with me. And where I found this echo of Jasper, I also found a tiny sliver of something solid...stable.

I emerged slowly, and unwound myself. It was easier than it had been. I was gasping after him when I had control of myself again.

"How…?" I began.

He too was gasping, as if he had been in pain. _I've taken a little of your pain into me, and replaced it with a little of my strength. Usually, when I do this, my partner doesn't get to observe what I'm doing, but it seems you were able to sense it with your ability to hear my thoughts. It was…a different experience._

He was a bit chagrined. I could see that Jasper was used to working unnoticed, and the thought of me watching was unnerving to him. Obviously, he'd never used his gift on me before, especially not in this way. He'd never felt the need – usually I was among the most level-headed of us.

"Thank you," I breathed. His gift was amazing. I'd never envied him his gift, or even considered it equal in usefulness to mine. Once again, I had been arrogant and foolish. At this moment, it seemed infinitely more powerful.

"How long will it last?" I queried. Would I have to stay in close proximity to Jasper? Would he be able to do it again? I wondered if this was going to be a regular treatment, and chuckled blackly at the thought – Jasper and I out on the cliff every four hours for my therapy session. I didn't know how long he would be willing to put up with me.

He sighed in a tired way. _I made it as strong as I could. A few months, maybe? I don't do this often…_.

I remembered his comment about doing _whatever_ he could to help me, and I realized that this was not the usual use of his gift.

"What aren't you telling me, Jasper?"

Jasper's usual wariness made him hesitant again, but he decided that he could tell me the truth._ Using my gift this way to help you was…complicated and difficult. It used up a lot of my reserves, and now I'll have to…recover for a while…before I could do it again._

This explained why he always held himself back, and why his gift had seemed so subtle. It was much stronger than any of us had known, except for Alice, of course. He'd always held the majority of it in reserve for when it was really needed. I could see in his head that he'd used this last final trick to get himself out of a few desperate situations. Like a psychic blast, he'd used his gift as a weapon, more than once, to distract his enemies and help him escape when he wasn't going to survive the fight otherwise.

He'd also used the full force of his gift to connect with Alice in the beginning. He'd exchanged some of his despair for a bit of her hope, when she'd finally convinced him that she wanted him to do so. It'd helped him heal emotionally before he'd come to live with us. Otherwise, I could see that he wouldn't have been able to adjust to our family life at all.

Sensing that I was there with him in his thoughts of Alice, he smiled gently, a soft glow suffusing his features. _Alice shared some of her joy with me and it changed my life. I…I give my deepest thanks every day that she found me and was willing to share her life with me. Whatever fate brought us together…it saved me._

I could see he believed that with every strand of his being. I allowed myself a brief smile at their joy. Unlike the obvious loves of Carlisle and Esme, and Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice were always understated in their affections. It made it seem even more real to me, sometimes.

Like Alice's original gift to him, he was attempting to save me. Take my pain, and give me his strength…strength that came from both himself and his close bond with Alice. It cost him some security, but he and Alice agreed that the price was worth it. They loved me.

As I sensed the depth of that love in his thoughts, I was struck speechless. My head fell into my hands, and I mutely shook it back and forth.

Would the love of my family for me never end? First Esme, then Alice and Jasper. No…much, much more than that. Alice, Carlisle, Emmett, Esme, and Jasper. They'd all shown me how much they'd loved me in this, my darkest time. It was too much.

Apparently, it was time for Rosalie to step out of the woods and do a song-and-dance number about how much she loved me, too. I couldn't help but smile at that unlikely thought. No matter what, Rosalie would be Rosalie. At least one family member was determined to keep me humble about my worth.

Jasper glanced over to see what had amused me, and sobering, I looked back.

"Jasper…" I began, uncertain what would sum up everything that I owed him.

_Let's get back to the house. Alice wants to know if I was successful._ He gave me a weak grin, as he got to his feet._ Of course, she probably already knows._

"Thank you – both of you," I whispered.

_Thank her yourself, when you have time._ Jasper was pleased with his night's work, despite its risks. He wondered if it would be enough to keep me sane, and if I would begin to heal from all the pain I was experiencing.

As we ran back to the house, I wondered the same thing.

Again, the running calmed my nerves, and I was thankful for it. But I knew it would be temporary – I wasn't going to start running again for real. With Jasper's gift, maybe I could settle with my family for a time, bear to be surrounded by a constant sense of love that wasn't quite the one I needed and wanted so desperately.

Still, I felt a similar need to the one that had prompted me to run in the first place – _the need_ _to be doing something._ But what could I do in my damaged state that would possibly make me feel better? I couldn't think of anything at all.

© 2009 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton


	3. Chapter 3 Purpose

**Purpose**

In the weeks that followed, I threw myself headlong into my family's pursuits. I visited Carlisle at work, Esme at her reconstruction site, and Emmett at his house. Jasper and I upgraded the security installation at the farmhouse and re-explored the countryside together.

I even joined Rosalie in the garage one afternoon, and we spent a few quiet hours together, not perhaps easy in each others' presence yet, but at least in companionable silence. She was concentrating on her vehicle rather intently, which helped. Her impatience with me was otherwise very hard to bear.

Alice was the only one who kept her distance, for reasons of her own, it seemed.

When I questioned Jasper, he didn't want to talk about it. "Alice wants you to heal," he stated simply, as if that excused her tendency to always be somewhere I was not, often missing me by moments.

"Have I done something? It's not due to your…helping me?" As greatly as I appreciated his gift, the last thing I wanted to do was cause friction between Alice and Jasper.

He gave me a disappointed look. "Of course not. She and I both agreed upon my actions that night."

"Then why…?"

"Edward – our only concern is you. Please…please don't worry about this." His steady gaze reassured me. As usual, I found that I couldn't resist his suggestions when he used a persuasive tone like that. He wasn't using his gift – it was just a natural part of him.

So I tried not to be too concerned. I knew I would find out Alice's reasons soon enough. I always did, whether I wanted to or not.

Despite the general outward picture of peace, the struggle raged on inside of me – my struggle to be good to my family, to be responsible. I fought a constant battle to keep myself from bolting out the door, free from thought with the release of speed. I also fought a constant battle to keep myself from curling up defensively, crushing in upon myself with all my strength, both as balm and punishment for the pain.

Although I did occasionally lose both of these battles, I was winning sometimes too. Jasper's gift was the key that made it possible. Otherwise, I wouldn't have dared show myself in public, worried that I would cause another quick move for my family. Instead, I was usually able to hold off long enough to avoid arousing suspicion with my strange behaviors.

There was another battle I was fighting, and this one was more dangerous than the others. I was fighting to keep myself from returning to Bella. The longer I was away, the stronger the compulsion to return was becoming. It worried away at my resolve like the slow drip of water wears down a mountain.

I truly hated myself for this weakness. Why couldn't I just keep her safe? Why was I so selfish that I couldn't do this for the woman who meant everything to me? The answers didn't come to me, no matter how long or hard I pondered these questions.

As I picked up the guise of normal life, and I allowed my mind to operate freely again, the thought of Bella crept in with very little prompting. _Esme's reconstruction is really starting to take shape. I can't wait to show this to Bella._ Then, as I realized what I had done, I would lock down my body – freeze in place – while the pain flared up inside me, and I fought against the equally strong urges to crumble or to flee.

In between innocent thought and pained reaction, there was always a moment of time where I was determined to go _right now_ to find Bella, and be with her forever, prove my love to her with all my power and might, and never, ever leave her side again. While my reaction time was always very fast, the moment in time was lengthening, almost imperceptibly, as the weeks passed.

It worried me.

It also worried me that I was restless, and feeling caged. As much as I enjoyed the company of my family, and appreciated _their_ pursuits, I didn't have any purpose of my own. The goal of my existence was to _not_ do things – not run off, not collapse, not go back to Bella. I yearned for some sort of mission to accomplish that would make my existence worthwhile. I longed to be, as Tanya had once said, "a man of action." Hiding did not suit me. As it stood, I could only see one exit from my cage.

Death. Or perhaps more accurately, the cessation of my existence. I pondered this thought more than my family would be happy knowing. I planned out my trip to Italy in spare moments - how I would get there, how I would make my request to the Volturi, what I would do if they refused. There were so many options, and my mind wandered vaguely through many of them.

Better to end my existence than head back to Forks! That would surely end Bella's life one way or another, and as cliché as it sounded, I would give my life for hers. Perhaps it was the last thing I could do for her. If so, then I wouldn't fight it anymore. I would give it gladly and without regret.

I made up my mind that if I ever wavered in my conviction to stay away from her, if I ever made a physical movement to go back to Bella again, whether my body moved 500 miles or 5 millimeters in her direction before I stopped myself, I would take myself to Italy immediately.

This decision gave me some sense of relief; even as I felt some guilt about the pain this would undoubtedly cause my family. Despite my embarrassment at my current state, I was generally open with the others on how I was doing. This was the only thought I didn't share.

Days turned into weeks, and somehow, I was able to hold on.

Winter was coming to upstate New York. The tourists that always flocked to the colorful leaves of autumn were gone, and the residents prepared for the coming weather. Both Emmett's and Esme's projects were progressing quickly; the workers racing to finish the outside work before heavy snows completely buried the region.

We made our own preparations to the farmhouse and the surrounding farmlands, still in use over many decades. Emmett and Carlisle often bonded over such activities, as they alone came from more agrarian backgrounds. The rest of us were city-folk at heart.

One afternoon during this busy season, I was helping Esme make pumpkin pie. She had a "potluck" fundraising luncheon to attend, and engaged my assistance in cooking – a skill both of us had tried to learn when we'd planned on keeping Bella with us. In previous years, she'd have just bought a pie from a bakery in New York City or New Jersey to pass off as her own. However, as she had learned how to cook, she decided she might as well practice….

One way or another, Bella's influence on my family continued to show itself, however subtly.

I pulled the completed pie out of the oven under Esme's careful watch and wrinkled my nose at the pungent smell. _I wonder if Bella likes pumpkin pie,_ I considered, and then realizing what I had done, I locked down my muscles.

As always, that suspended moment was filled with a jumble of thoughts and emotions: entering her room late at night through the unlocked window, begging for her forgiveness, watching her liquid brown eyes fill with understanding, moving closer to the heat of her soft skin….

And then the pain flared like a sunburst, bright and hot and full of force. I closed my eyes and held on tight. I tried desperately to imagine placing my feet on a cool, steady, rock ledge deep inside me. Jasper's steady gaze filled my vision, and I pulled in a jagged breath. My eyes re-opened.

I placed the pie on the stovetop. Less than a second had passed. I had barely paused.

Nonetheless, Esme had noticed. "Edward, are you alright?"

"I'm okay," I answered as truthfully as I could, meeting her gaze. I wasn't well, but I was holding the line. I wouldn't be heading to Italy today.

As we stood there staring at each other, Alice came into the kitchen. This shocked me momentarily – I hadn't seen her in at least a week.

Her eyes wouldn't meet mine, and she was clearly unsettled to be in the same room with me. "We need to have a family meeting," she stated flatly, and stalked off. I'd rarely seen her this agitated before. Her movements didn't have their usual bounce, and her expression was bleak.

Esme and I looked at each other blankly for a moment. Then my eyebrows rose – it seemed unlikely that the meeting would be about anything other than me. She smiled encouragingly, and with a reassuring squeeze to my hand, she glided towards the formal dining room, pulling me along behind her.

_I'm sure it'll be fine,_ she reassured me.

Alice was gathering the others, so Esme and I sat down along one side of the dining table. Emmett and Carlisle joined us first, fresh from their work in the fields, and looking wary. It was clear they didn't know what this was about any more than we did. Carlisle took his place at the head next to Esme, and Emmett sat next to him.

After a moment, Rosalie came in through the front door and joined Emmett. She placed her hand in his instantly, and gazed into his eyes. His slow smile was answered with an awed one of her own. She reached out to pick a bit of hay out of his hair, before shaping her hand to the side of his face tenderly. His smile widened even further.

I looked away hurriedly and locked myself down for a moment, just in case. Rosalie and Emmett were the worst. They couldn't seem to help themselves sometimes, and it hurt…really hurt to see the obvious love on their faces sometimes. I ached to see …to know…that look again….

Jasper was the last to join us, and he descended from his upstairs room slowly, sitting on my other side. I was pretty certain he would know what this was about, and his reticence to join us made me deeply uneasy. He gave me an encouraging nod, and I sifted through his thoughts for clues, while we all waited for Alice to reappear.

Before I found anything, Alice came in and paused inside the doorway, just as unsettled as she had been before. She looked directly at Carlisle, and began quickly in a low voice.

"Edward forbade me to look into his future, and I'm trying to keep to that promise." She glared at me briefly before returning her look to Carlisle. "But I can't help it! I keep getting glimpses anyways – they just come to me anytime he's near."

This explained her continued absence from anywhere I was. The others looked startled, except for Jasper, of course. Apparently, Alice had been good about keeping up pretences, and hadn't shared my request with the others. It'd been kind of her, but that kindness was now coming to an end.

I could see what was coming, but I couldn't stop her in time.

"I don't like what I'm seeing," she continued, in a stronger voice this time. "Edward is planning a trip to Volterra. His intent is clear. He's going to ask the Volturi to end his life."

The family was shocked into a deeper silence.

I scanned through Alice's thoughts. I was startled to discover just how much she had learned without having spent any actual time with me. Her gift was impressive, as always.

"I don't have any definite plans - you all know I've been _trying_ to carry on with my existence here," I defended myself weakly.

It was clear I could have saved my breath. With Alice's accusation, my family found me guilty before I'd even said anything. I could see it in their confused and betrayed looks and hear it in their condemning thoughts. That I couldn't do a better job of defending myself was corroboration enough.

Of course, Alice _was _right. I had been thinking about seeking my death.

Jasper must have known this was coming. His face was set in grim lines. "Edward has been trying very hard to fit in with the family, to find peace. It has been exceedingly difficult for him."

"Then why do I keep seeing it, Edward?" Alice now stared directly at me. As I met her eyes for the first time, I found myself pinned to my seat by the strength of her black gaze. "I've been looking for glimpses of anything else – you running again, going back to Forks, going away, or staying here – and I'm getting nothing except you heading off to Italy!"

I couldn't breathe, caught as I was by her ferocity. The silence in the dining room stretched to a breaking point.

Carlisle and Jasper seemed to collect themselves first. They gave each other a significant look.

Carlisle's voice was patient and kind, as always. But I could hear a bit of pain in it that he wasn't quite able to mask. "Edward, tell us what you've been considering. Have you been thinking about…ending your life?"

With effort, I looked away from the darkness in Alice's eyes, and faced Carlisle's grave visage. It wasn't an improvement. I knew I couldn't lie to him, as much as I wanted to. "Yes," I admitted. "Sometimes."

He pulled in a deep breath, as the family watched carefully. "Edward, we don't want to lose you. What else can we do to help?"

I hesitated, trying to think of how to answer him. My family had been more giving, loving, and kind than I ever could have expected, or deserved. What else could I ask of them?

"Edward, this is nuts! If you can't live without Bella, then why don't you go back to her?" Emmett interrupted my musing with a shout. I could see in his thoughts that he was wondering what he could do. If I couldn't live without Bella, and I was too stubborn to go back to Forks, then maybe the answer was to bring Bella here….

"Emmett, no!" I shouted, and sprang to my feet. I was watching a new vision form in Alice's thoughts – Emmett pulling up in Rosalie's M3, with Bella in the passenger seat. It didn't look like Emmett had to force her to come. I yearned to see the expression on her face as she got out and met my eyes….

"Emmett – Edward has made his decision to live without Bella. Until he decides otherwise, we will support him in that." Carlisle's smooth tone cancelled Emmett's plans, Alice's visions…and my enjoyment of them. I groaned, and sank into my seat again. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as the pain of loss embraced me...again.

"I don't know what else we can do! We've bent over backwards to make him feel comfortable since he's gotten here." Rosalie was finally free to vent at me after weeks of trying to hold it in, and I could tell that it pleased her immensely.

"He's not in the best of shape at the moment. Now is not the time to push him." Jasper spoke quietly and evenly.

"So we wait until he's dead before we ask him about his plans?" Alice quipped back. I had never seen them fight before, but it was obvious they'd had a heated discussion behind the scenes. It hadn't been resolved there, which is why Alice had gone to such desperate measures in exposing me in front of everyone.

"Edward…." Esme's face was a mask of pain. The grief I sensed in her thoughts was nearly overwhelming. "Please, don't give up on this life."

The irony of the only member of our family who had chosen to give up her own life pleading with me not to do the same was not lost on me. Of course, my mother would also be the only person who had an innate understanding of the magnitude of my loss.

Carlisle squeezed her hand gently to reassure her. "I think we need to hear from Edward himself now." With no judgment in his eyes, he turned to me. "Edward, what do you need? Can we help at all? You know we will do everything we can."

Unwillingly, I tried to concentrate on his request. Wild thoughts raced through my fevered mind, while the silence continued. Every pair of dark golden eyes focused intently on me, awaiting my answer, any answer. But due to Alice's ambush, this wasn't a question I was ready to answer.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that maybe Carlisle was asking me the wrong question. The question wasn't really what the family could do for me with all their many talents. Or even what I could do for them by staying and being responsible. Perhaps my place wasn't here with my family anymore, as much as I loved them. I wouldn't go to Forks, shouldn't go to Italy, and couldn't stay with my family. Was there another option?

"I need time to think," I said finally.

I knew instantly the best way to clear my head and to think without distraction - running through the desolate late autumn forest surrounding us, free from my family's interfering thoughts. I pushed myself from the table and headed immediately for the door.

I could hear the thoughts echo behind me. _He's leaving again._

I turned back momentarily to reassure them. "It may come to that in the end. But, at least for today, I will be back."

I was running again before I'd cleared the porch steps. I headed into the surrounding forests, knowing the cold weather threat would keep the odds of my encountering anyone else to a bare minimum. I let the cold wind whip past me, clearing the stagnant thoughts that came with a lack of action.

I turned my thoughts to the task at hand. I had promised my family I would try to come up with another solution – one that didn't end my existence, and as much as I dreaded it, I knew that I owed them this much. If I had wondered before how much my trip to Volterra would affect my family, now I knew. I would try to come up with another path, one that didn't hurt either them or Bella in the end,

What _was_ my purpose in this existence without Bella? How could I make my way in this world without her?

My mind wandered through the possibilities, each one as unlikely as the next. I would never be free from Bella's hold on me. That fact was irrefutable. So the idea of my moving on, searching for and finding another mate, was impossible, so laughable even that I actually laughed aloud as I ran. That the explosion of sound from my lungs was foreign and lifeless was not lost on me.

I could continue on as I had been, spending my existence furthering my family's happiness. But I had tried it for a short time and I was failing to find a place there.

So, what else was there?

I tried to think back to the darkness of my life, before Bella's sun blazed into it. Even with my perfect vampire memory, I knew I would never be able to recall a higher purpose from those days. When I was first brought to this new life, I had existed to adjust to who and what I had become.

When I had stubbornly rebelled against Carlisle and his compassion, I had lived briefly for the hunt. That was the time I was most like the rest of my kind, who live for the kill, the thrill of feeding the monster within. In hunting the evil and loathsome, I had found some solace in protecting those who were not strong enough to protect themselves, trying in part to balance the scales. But, in acknowledging that, I also had to acknowledge the other side of the coin; that I had secretly and darkly lived for the kill, as well. The strength and rush I got from consuming human blood had enflamed me briefly. It was that darkness from which I turned when I returned to Carlisle.

From that moment on, my purpose was to earn back Carlisle's faith and respect. Though I knew I had never truly lost it in his eyes, I would never stop trying. I used my abilities for the greater good of the family; keeping the family safe from detection. At the time it had been enough - a penance for my sins. But, on the whole, I had not had a clear purpose in my existence for decades….

Until Bella.

When Bella came into my life, her happiness and love became my reason for existing. All else faded except her smile, her thoughts, her delight, her pain, her fear, and her safety.

And therein lay my dilemma. The purpose of my current state was her safety. Once it became clear to me that the greatest threat to her safety was my world, I could not let her be a part of it. With me gone, the darkness and fear she had known in the last year would no longer threaten her. That was the only thing that mattered.

A memory arose without my calling for it. It whispered to me, and yet it struck me like a physical blow, and my body came staggering to a halt. I became immediately aware of the empty brown forest surrounding me, rustled only by the lightest of winds.

In my mind it became the living green of home, as seen through a windshield. Glaring darkly at the green forest, I had once whispered, "I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there."

Suddenly, the forest surrounding me seemed filled with dangers, seen and unseen. I felt a prickle of fear traverse my spine. I gazed deeply into my surroundings, and I listened and smelled intently.

My mind whirled in sudden, desperate thought.

I had removed the most immediate of vampire threats from Bella - the entire Cullen clan, including myself, and especially Jasper. But what of the others? Hunters often stalked the peninsula, like James, Victoria, and Laurent had done. It was good country for those of our kind who occasionally interacted with humans for reasons other than feeding. Any one of them was a threat.

One of them could be there right now.

Unconsciously, my body tightened into a fighting stance, my hands curling into fists. My body shook in furious denial. A growl ripped itself from my throat.

Could I act as a guard, as a sentinel at the peninsula, keeping the others away? Too close to Bella, I admitted, and gritted my teeth. I'd never stay away from her if I was that close. I had a hard enough time staying away from her when I was on the other side of the continent.

But…I could lower their numbers in the world. I could track the others down and end their murderous existences, one by one. It seemed like the reverse of my earlier efforts to live off the worst humanity had to offer. Even if I destroyed only one non-vegetarian vampire, Bella would live in a safer world.

And that is when I felt it. I felt the purpose fill me up. Plans and intentions crystallized in my head. Feelings realigned themselves in my heart and soul. I even knew which vampire was first on my list. I would end Victoria's existence, as payback for her part in Bella's pain and suffering. It was so clear, so right, that I almost sang with the joy of it. I would never let another vampire hurt Bella again.

I smiled darkly, and relaxed my stance. The forest around me still felt threatening, but I was ready for it. I would become the most dangerous thing in the forest. I would hunt the hunters.

I itched to get started at once, and yet I knew I had to be careful. My kind was dangerous, and difficult to track and kill. I would have to be better than the best of them, faster and more cunning. I had speed and my gift on my side, and an element of surprise. It would have to be enough.

I spent a few more moments standing there, making sure I had thought through all the ramifications of my decision. Carlisle and Esme would be dead set against it, as well as Rosalie, but I might find some support from the others. Carlisle's certain displeasure caused me the longest period of uncertainty. Could it possibly be the right path, if Carlisle didn't agree? I couldn't answer that question.

In the end, I decided it didn't matter to me. I would accept my fate. For the second time in my existence, I was going to go against Carlisle's wishes. I hoped that I wasn't as wrong this time as I was the last.

For now, I needed to inform my family of my decision, and ready myself for the coming trials. I turned around and took a more leisurely pace back to the farmhouse, thinking intently about how to get started with my search.

My family had dispersed to their various activities when I returned. Quietly, I let myself in the back, and dashed up the back stairs.

I found Jasper and Alice up in Alice's room, and before I could say anything, Alice burst out with, "Denali? You're going to see Tanya?"

As I heard Alice ask the question, my plans had just begun to take shape in my head. It made the most sense. The area was home to our closest friends, our extended family. And it was home to the one link to Victoria that I had access to - Laurent. We knew that Laurent had gone to the Denali clan seeking to learn more about our way of life, just as he'd told Carlisle that he would. He would know more than anyone how best to find Victoria.

Alice was glaring up at me furiously, and Jasper was giving me a perplexed look. I saw in Alice's mind what she was suspecting, and I threw my head back laughing, feeling lighter than I had been in months.

"No, of course I'm not going up to Denali just to see Tanya…you should know better than that," I chided gently.

"Then why…" she trailed off.

I filled them in on my decision to find Victoria and end her existence. Alice got that unfocused look in her eyes, searching for the outcome of this newest plan. Jasper and I waited patiently.

"I can't see how this will turn out," she eventually acceded. "I can't even see if you will find Laurent in Denali. There are too many variables. It seems like it's not going to be easy – Victoria's a tough one to pin down."

Alice whipped out her cell phone and dialed the Denali clan. I half-listened as she chatted lightly with Irina about this and that, subtly verifying that Laurent was still there with them. I was more focused on Jasper's reaction.

I could see he was considering the difficulties ahead. Finally, he nodded. He also had a faraway look in his eyes, but for a different reason. He was developing plans, logistic and strategic ones.

"You know Emmett will want to be in on this," he warned.

"I'm going alone," I stated flatly.

Alice frowned gently when she finally got off the phone.

"What is it?" Jasper asked.

She looked up with furrowed brows into his concerned expression. "Something's going on in Denali that we don't know about. It seems we're at a crossroads here, at least Edward is, and…something more? You'll have to be extra careful, Edward."

"I intend to be. There's too much riding on this." I closed my eyes and let the love I felt for Bella strengthen me. When I opened them slowly again, I felt more at peace than I had for months. _Never again!_ I vowed silently. _Never again will another vampire threaten your existence, Bella. I will see to that, if it is the last thing I do._

Originally, I had planned to go to Denali on foot – I was honestly looking forward to the time spent running, but fate interceded in a way I could not have expected.

Shortly before I had planned to leave, Rosalie cornered me in the hallway upstairs. She'd been avoiding me since the day of the family meeting, obviously still upset with my choice.

"Edward, can you come down to the garage? I want to show you something." She spoke sharply, and then turned on her heel and marched quickly away, downstairs and out of the house again.

_Idiot!_ I heard from her retreating thoughts. I sighed. I didn't really expect otherwise from her these days.

After some unnecessary stalling, I did as she asked. I wasn't really looking forward to whatever lecture she had planned for me, and tried to convince the others to join me. Only Alice came along, and the whole way there, she was concentrating very hard on exciting battles in Chinese Naval history, again effectively shutting me out. I decided to be patient – not that I had any real choice in the matter.

I opened the door to the garage and found Rosalie sitting quietly on the hood of my Aston-Martin, her thoughts tense and irritated, but also a bit…pleased with herself?

"You know I don't approve of this idiotic plan of yours, but it's obvious I'm not going to convince you to give up on it. It's amazing how incredibly stubborn you are when you want to be." She jumped off, and opened up the hood.

This seemed a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black, but I wasn't going to mention it when she had her able hands in my favorite engine.

Rosalie connected a few cables I hadn't seen in there previously, but before I could get a closer look, she closed the hood again. She straightened and continued, "So, if you're going anyways, you might as well go with the best equipment available." She flung the keys to Alice, who caught them easily and broke into a giant smile, the first I'd seen on Alice's face since I'd arrived. "Go ahead and show him what she can do," Rosalie amended, already on her way out.

I turned to watch Rosalie as she departed. She turned back towards me one more time, and her eyes and expression tightened. "Edward, come home again," she requested quietly. She sucked in a deep breath, and then she was out of sight.

I stayed rooted in my spot with my mouth hanging open. I wasn't exactly certain what had just happened there.

Alice was already in the driver's seat. She stuck her head out of the window, and called to me, "Oh, come on and get in already! I'd really like to get a chance to try this out myself before you run off with it."

Still bemused, I did as she asked.

We tore about the Finger Lakes region for hours before we had tried out all of the newly installed features. Rosalie had taken it upon herself to turn the Aston-Martin into the proverbial "James Bond" car. She'd re-configured the engine specifically for withstanding high-speed chases, modified the suspension for extended off-road driving, and loaded up the console with sophisticated tracking and communications gear. Vampires tended to stay off the grid, but you never knew when you might want the latest satellite imagery to help you in chasing them down over unknown terrain. With its new features, the Aston-Martin would be incredibly useful to me. It would never be the same car I'd loved before, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I wanted to say thank you, but Rosalie had taken off on an extended trip almost immediately, undoubtedly to avoid seeing me again before I left. As I packed gear into the Vanquish, Emmett tried to explain why.

"Well, you know Rose," he mumbled. "It's not always easy for her to tell people that she cares for them, and you…well you're the hardest of them all. She's never really known where she stands with you."

"What do you mean?" I asked, pulled momentarily from my task to gaze at Emmett's uncomfortable face. Rosalie had always been my sister. I'd never thought of her in any other way. She felt the same – that much had always been clear between us.

"I don't really get it myself - she's amazing! I mean, she just takes my breath away…." Emmett trailed off, a distant look in his eyes. I waited while Emmett pulled himself together enough to continue. "So I don't know why she should be so insecure at times." He shook his head, and then gazed at me quizzically. "Somehow, you seem to bring out that insecurity in her, more than anyone else. I'm not certain how or why, but it seems like it's gotten worse recently."

I did have an idea of why that was the case, but I wasn't going to share it with Emmett. Now more than ever I owed Rosalie her privacy. It was the least I could do.

I was ready a bit early due to Rosalie's efforts. My last bit of gear stowed, Emmett went off to fetch Alice and Jasper. Before I could depart, I would have to say goodbye to my family again, which wouldn't be easy. I squared my shoulders, and headed up to Carlisle's study to let him know it was time.

He was sitting at his desk, pouring over an old tome, but he glanced up immediately when I came in. He sighed wearily, and fixed me with a look that was way too old for his young face. _I will miss you, son. More than you know. Take care of yourself…and come back to us someday._ He got up from behind his desk, and came around to put his hand on my shoulder.

It was almost word-for-word what Carlisle had said to me when I'd left the first time, stubbornly rebelling against him in my early days. I gazed into the kind eyes of my father, and I knew I was hurting him again, just like the first time. Whether I killed 200 human criminals or one murderous vampire, it was still wrong to him. I was sorry I had to hurt him, but like the first time, in this moment it just didn't matter to me.

"I'll be careful, I promise." It was an easy promise to make. I wouldn't do anything rash now – now that I had a reason to survive. I wanted desperately to be around long enough to accomplish Victoria's death. After that, things got a little less certain, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead.

He just nodded, and his hand dropped, letting me go. He gestured for me to lead the way.

Down the stairs and inside the front door, Esme was waiting for me. She drew me into a fierce hug, and then pulled back to look into my eyes. She didn't dare say anything, but her hand reached up to touch the side of my face, and she managed a gentle smile.

I captured her hand in my own, and gave it a lingering squeeze, conveying in that one gesture my love for her. Then she too dropped her hand from me. I headed down the final set of stairs to the car, alone.

Jasper, Alice, and Emmett all gathered around me in the driveway.

"Remember to download positional data to the main computer daily..." Jasper continued on for a bit, still confirming our mission plans.

He intended to keep track of my whereabouts from a kind of operations center he'd set up in my old bedroom. That way he would know if I needed reinforcements or re-supply. In some ways, he was back at war again, but a different kind of war – a very twenty-first century one, where the goal was to acquire and eliminate a specific hostile target. Despite himself, he found he was excited to be making battle plans again.

"Yeah, call us the moment you need help!" Emmett cheerfully intended to be the reinforcements I called for, and was really looking forward to it, now that his house was almost complete.

_Edward…I love you. Please be safe._ Alice mentally called, a little ways off.

I paused in the process of opening the car door. I turned and moved to her swiftly, pulling her into my embrace. Unlike the hug we'd shared when I came to Ithaca, I was again the strong one, and she was feeling a bit weak, worrying about a future she was unable or forbidden to see. She sagged into me for just a moment, and then she was firm on her feet again and pulling away. She kept her face averted from me, and after a moment's hesitation, I headed back to the car.

As I started the engine and put my hands on the steering wheel, I closed my eyes for just a moment, and pulled up the memory of Bella's face. It was the first time since I'd left Forks that I'd done so on purpose. For once, seeing it didn't hurt me – it strengthened me. I was on a quest to make this world safer for her, my beloved vision of warmth, kindness, and beauty, free from anything that would hurt her. I would not, could not, fail her!

I looked back as I drove down the long gravel driveway. Carlisle and Esme stood on the porch at the top of the stairs, arms around each other as if to share the others' strength. Similarly, Jasper had his arms around Alice in the middle of the driveway, holding her up as I had so recently done. Emmett stood alone, hands on his hips, a big smile smeared across his face. He waved. Then they all disappeared from my view, and I concentrated on the road in front of me more seriously.

I realized that having a purpose had given me the strength to face my existence without Bella again. I hadn't contemplated Italy once in the last few days.

© 2009 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton


	4. Chapter 4 Denali

**Denali**

My fourth race across the continent was different from my previous ones. I was surrounded by the comforting presence of my favorite car, despite the numerous adulterations brought about by Rosalie's efforts to keep me safe. I could feel the lingering remnants of Jasper's gift deep within me, helping to hold me together. But the biggest difference was that I was looking forward instead of looking back. I wasn't running from anything. I was…hunting.

I should have thought of it as tracking. It put a kinder veneer on an activity which was generally accepted to mean hunting down your prey without the intention of killing it. Hunting was second-nature to vampires, who gave themselves over regularly to the mindless joy of it. Tracking was more difficult, and meant keeping your mind fully engaged in the task, and bringing to bear the full and impressive extent of your vampire-sharpened intellect, not just your amazing senses. At every moment, you had to check your basic instinct to give in to your animal side – the monster within.

Due to my misguided past, I had a lot of experience in exactly this kind of tracking. I had spent a decade haunting the larger northern U.S. cities, looking for the worst humanity had to offer. I once tracked murderers, rapists, abusers, drug pushers, human traffickers, and the truly viciously insane across every industrial wasteland I could find. I had to be certain they were worthy of my dark, deadly gift. I was always certain, before I let the monster free to exact its vengeance for all the victims I had been forced to witness. All the screams and the pain….

I had thought that part of my existence was past. My emotional control wasn't at its best at the moment, but my past experience would help. I hoped I could rein in the bloodlust enough to keep myself tracking, and not hunting, when it came to Laurent. I had failed to do so when it came to the final confrontation with James, and it had almost cost Bella her life.

My hands tightened on the steering wheel, leaving a light imprint. No, I couldn't allow myself such weakness again.

I knew that killing Laurent would not help me to find Victoria. Further, if Laurent had truly committed himself to the vegetarian lifestyle and joined the Denali clan, then I would be killing a family member as well - an unforgivable act. I knew that in my head, but when it came to the choice between my family and my dearest love…well, I knew who would win. It saddened me, but it was true. One hundred years of kindness and love, and I would give up Carlisle for Bella in an instant.

With an impatient sigh, I focused myself again on the road. It seemed I was now able to think about Bella without losing control of my senses. Her missing presence was always around me, everywhere I looked. Anything warm, anything soft, and especially anything beautiful seemed to bring her into my focus, such that it clouded my vision, and distracted me momentarily from my purpose. But the combination of Jasper's gift and my newfound reason for existing had made it something I could bear…without the slow decent into insanity I had resembled for so long.

My thoughts whirled and the scenery changed during the drive, from forest to plains, and then to cold, high prairie. The weather suited my mood, and I glared out at the unforgiving landscape with dark, cold eyes. There was no kindness in me for Laurent, even if he had changed his ways. He had traveled with James and Victoria for decades. He was not worthy of my kindness. If he proved helpful, then I would begin to forgive him his past choices.

Getting the information I needed from Laurent was not going to be easy, I knew. While he had gone to the extent of warning us about Victoria and James, he hadn't been willing to advise us beyond that, or to help us in our struggles against them. From my brief glimpses into his mind, I could guess why.

Vampires who traveled together many years tended to form emotional bonds with their companions. While these bonds were nothing compared to the ties of a family like my own, or the connection between mates, they were enough to engender a feeling of loyalty and trust. I understood it mostly from witnessing the relationship of Jasper to Peter and Charlotte. Shared travails led to an understanding of each others' strengths and weaknesses, and a willingness to trust in difficult situations. It kept most covens together longer than would be possible otherwise.

The relative strength of Laurent's remaining loyalties to Victoria versus the new bond he had formed with my extended family in Denali would be very important. It would determine what methods I would need to use to extract information from him.

I had spent my last night in Ithaca with Jasper, Alice, and Emmett assessing vulnerabilities – places where my tentative plans could go wrong. By the end of it, poor Alice had retired from our discussions, complaining of a headache from the so many changes of vision she'd experienced. We were reasonably certain that we'd come up with a plan that wouldn't fail immediately, but I continued to turn the possibilities over and over in my mind as I drove, looking for weak points we hadn't yet anticipated.

I took a more southern route than I would have liked, as the snows were blanketing the less traveled northern routes, making them impassible for an Aston-Martin, regardless of the skill of the driver. I traveled through the U.S. to Montana, crossed over into Canada, and passed through Edmonton and Calgary before picking up the Alaska Highway in Dawson Creek, British Columbia. The terminus of the Alaska Highway was in Delta Junction, Alaska, close to Fairbanks, which would be my center of operations for Denali. Fairbanks was a good choice for several reasons – first, enough visitors came to Fairbanks that I wouldn't stand out quite as much picking up supplies, and second, it was far enough away that the Denali clan wouldn't immediately sense my presence there.

Regardless, visitors here were rare enough in late November that I attempted to keep as low a profile as possible. I checked into a resort property which featured scores of generally featureless cottages overlooking the Chena River, not far from downtown. Silently and under the cover of the ubiquitous darkness, I transferred all of my communications and tracking gear into my new headquarters, and began set-up. Before long, I had established a direct electronic link to Jasper's headquarters in Ithaca.

"Edward," Jasper breathed, when I finally patched through to him. He must have been waiting for me.

"I'm here, Jasper," I stated flatly. I should have been glad to hear from Jasper, who had proved my closest ally these past few weeks. But instead, all I felt was the coldness of the task at hand. Jasper, however, didn't seem to care. He was focused on the mission too.

We conducted a few general tests of the equipment, which worked perfectly. Really, it was amazing considering the beating it'd taken over the last couple days. Even the Aston-Martin was looking a little rough.

"Can I get the others? They'd like to hear from you," Jasper ventured cautiously, as I was about to end our connection.

Apparently, Alice had been doing a better job of keeping out of my future with me so distant.

"No thanks," I bit out sharply. "I know you and Emmett have good intentions, but I'd rather do this by myself, as much as I can."

A silence from Jasper's end meant that he was thinking. Eventually, he ventured, "Edward, I don't doubt your abilities in the slightest. You've always been one of the most resourceful and level-headed members of the family. So I don't mean to imply that you can't do this alone, if that's what you really want."

He paused for just a moment before continuing, "I just want to make sure that you know that we are willing and ready to support you, in wherever this takes you. If we have to give up our lazy, comfortable existence playing house with Carlisle and Esme, we'll do that. You can count on us, you know."

Here he was clearly talking about himself and Alice, not Emmett. He meant that he and Alice were willing to join me in my quest, if I were to ask them. Originally, I'd said I wanted to go it alone, and not get the whole family involved. He wasn't challenging that. But he was offering me another alternative. A leaner, more agile one, now that Emmett wasn't hovering around us so hopefully.

I closed my eyes to envision it for a split-second. Alice and Jasper would be such amazingly useful people to have with me. Their gifts would make this so laughably easy. I loved them, and they were easy company to keep.

"Edward," he added, "you don't have to do this alone."

I needed them, in so many ways. I needed the meager light and warmth I felt when I was around them. It was something that had been lacking in my life. Something I'd lost completely since I'd left Bella, the only person who could ever truly warm me, and make me feel complete and whole.

The world hung for a split second.

_No._ The strength of the thought reverberated throughout me. I was not that Edward anymore – one that lived in the warmth. I would never be that Edward again.

"Edward, are you still there?"

I forced myself to remember the coldness of my earlier tracking experiences. I had become a true monster during those years, as much from the horrors I was constantly witnessing as from the human blood drained and savored. I didn't want Jasper and Alice with me when I became that monster again. I didn't want to drag them down into that hell. I had to protect them - Jasper, with his keen sensitivity, and Alice, with her intense love. They were exactly who needed to be kept away.

If I was going to beat Victoria at her own game, I would have to become worse than the worst I had ever been. I would have to embrace the darkest coldness I had ever experienced. I knew with a certainty that losing Bella had drained me of so much that was good and right, that it wouldn't even be all that difficult. I _would_ become the most dangerous thing out there. I had to be.

"Yes, Jasper, I'm still here. But the answer is no. I want to be alone." My voice was cold and hard, and echoed in the lonely room. "I'll keep you updated," I added, and ended the connection with a sharp click.

_Time to get to work,_ I thought. I was ready now.

That week, I holed up in my cottage during the day and did all of my business when the local human population was mostly asleep. The first night, I broke into an import garage, got the Aston-Martin back into shape, and checked it into a heated storage unit, hoping that I would need it again.

The following nights, I ghosted out across the new snow, leaving no footprints, and no discernable trail, attempting to find the outermost edge of the Denali settlement, where I could hear their inner voices, but yet not be noticed myself. I tracked my progress with GPS and as agreed I sent the data back to Jasper, who sent back suggested routes for my next foray. The progress was painfully slow, but necessary. One false move and my cover would be blown. I didn't want to face the clan unless I had to.

The first week passed into the second, and all was continuing according to plan. With Jasper's input, I had mapped the usual paths of the Denali clan into and out of their territory by assessing faint markers left by their passing and occasionally catching a stray thought as they traveled past. Some of the paths I remembered from my times of living with them, and some had been added more recently.

I was now comfortable enough with my base of knowledge to consider testing a number of carefully chosen "listening posts." These posts could be accessed using routes that would not intersect the normal travel paths, and were hopefully close enough to allow me to listen in to their day-to-day activities undetected.

I would spend no less than three days in the first post, listening, before deciding whether to move on to my second location. While I didn't figure that I would hear anything about Victoria during the period, I was hoping to gauge Laurent's relationship with the Denali clan, and get a better idea of the man himself.

The Denali clan was not as large as my family, but was growing with time. Tanya, with whom I was most familiar, was the de facto leader, accompanied by her sisters Irina and Kate. Rounding out the clan were Carmen and Eleazar, and of course the target of my surveillance, Laurent. While Kate and Eleazar had unusual vampire abilities like Alice, Jasper, and I did, I didn't think any of their talents would be able to help them notice my quiet watch.

I caught just the barest mental buzzing from the clan house as I got into the first position. I concentrated, and found the frequencies that fit the buzz. It looked like this location would give me a good start. I planned to dance lightly amongst the five voices I knew, while periodically attempting to tune in to the one foreign voice amongst them, Laurent.

The sisters were always the easiest to pinpoint, resulting from the time I had spent with them in the past. Even at this long distance, I could unravel their sometimes similar voices and pick up the distinguishing characteristics that separated them. Tanya's voice was bold and confident, with just the barest underpinning of sadness under her bravado, a remnant of the loss of her mother and the sad circumstances surrounding that loss. Irina's voice was less aggressive, but of a woman clearly comfortable in her own skin and pleased by her place at her sister's side. Kate's voice was usually full of laughter and brightness, with just a touch of the carefree thrown in.

The others didn't take much longer. I was able to discern Carmen, whose immense kindness and compassion had helped her and her mate find their way to the vegetarian lifestyle. Carmen was a bit older than the sisters, and settled happily with Eleazar, which gave her voice a more grounded feeling. Eleazar's voice was the most cautious, which did not surprise me. He'd seen more strife than anyone else at the clan house, and probably more than anyone I had ever known, except possibly Jasper. His love for Carmen gave him strength, but it also gave him something to fear losing. His past made him wary.

From these five, I was able to see the house, and the occupations of its inhabitants, including Laurent. Unlike my own family, who had gone indoors in order to interact with humans better, the Denali clan had decidedly gone outdoors. Nearby mountains and the omnipresent snow and ice this time of year made for a never-ending playground for those who can't feel the cold, and like a good challenge. When not seeing to their own survival, they were constantly up to some adventure in the surrounding countryside, often competing with each other in complicated games of their own making.

The house itself had fewer amenities than the manor homes we often frequented. Instead, it was more of a lodge, with a huge, open, central room, brightly lit by a massive fireplace that was kept in use throughout the dark nighttime. An open staircase from this room led to a series of loft bedrooms and bathrooms overlooking the front of the lodge. The back wall of the lodge was mostly window, and faced south towards the Denali National Park, with all its stunning views.

The first few days of my surveillance were filled with laughter, conversation, and excitement, underlain by just a hint of uneasy tension. The source of both the excitement and unease was clearly Laurent. He had been there since he had left our home many months ago, so the five original inhabitants were mostly comfortable around him, but yet, there was an edge to the atmosphere of the clan.

It became clear that Laurent had made an earnest attempt to adopt the vegetarian lifestyle when he had first arrived, but there had been a number of mishaps, which upset the clan to different degrees. He wasn't really all that apologetic about the humans he'd killed, except for the fact that it was causing them some suspicion. Occasionally, members would try to help him with his efforts, reminding me of our efforts with Jasper. Obviously, we were having better luck.

On top of that, it seemed clear that he had been flirting aggressively with all three sisters since he'd first arrived, but none of them had yet taken him up on his offer of nighttime companionship, all for different reasons, it seemed. Kate didn't seem to trust him, Tanya was relishing the thrill of the chase, and Irina was…holding out for something more? Irina's thoughts were the most difficult to read for me, and I could only guess that she was feeling somewhat conflicted herself.

I continued to strain to hear into Laurent's thoughts, with little success. Thinking that perhaps I wasn't close enough, I switched listening posts after the third day ended.

Night was coming to a close, such that Carmen and Eleazar were still otherwise engaged with each other, which left me with the sisters to monitor. Kate and Tanya were having a heated conversation in Tanya's bedroom. As soon as I entered Kate's mind, I realized that Tanya was not fully dressed, and I switched perspectives immediately. Kate, thankfully, was fully dressed in the sisters' usual mountain guide wear, their source of income during the height of the tourist season.

Kate's eyes were narrowed, and she was looking at Tanya accusingly. "How could you? You know what this means to her!" she hissed quietly but vehemently, trying to keep her voice down low enough so that the others wouldn't hear.

_I know, I know._ Tanya's thoughts echoed with remorse. "I didn't mean to do it. It just sort of happened."

Kate did not seem placated by her sister's apparent regret. If anything, she inched just a hair closer to completely boiling over. "You've got to get yourself back under control," she stated flatly.

_It's been hard, ever since…._ Tanya sucked in a long breath. "Kate, I know that you're right. I just needed to get my confidence back."

"This was not the way to do it. If she decides to kill you, I'm not certain who I'm going to help." Kate finished the conversation with a glare, and strode forcefully from the room.

Tanya sighed, and looked at her perfect face in the mirror. Her beautiful blond curls were just the barest bit ruffled. She looked as sad as I had ever known her. _It was really good…_ Here her thoughts turned just the littlest bit smug. _…but it wasn't worth it._ She continued staring at her reflection, thinking wordlessly about her own loneliness.

I stared with her, lost in concern over a woman I almost considered my sister. Then, I realized I was engrossed in worrying about Tanya, and shook my head impatiently in my listening post. I couldn't afford to get involved in Tanya's pain right now. I had a mission here. I had to focus.

Kate had gone out for a run to let off some steam, it seemed, so I skipped over to Irina. She was gazing to the south at the Park, leaning over the railing of a front deck that ran the length of the lodge. She stood still in the cold, dark morning, no hint of sunrise coming for hours yet. She wasn't seeing the view – she was seeing the panorama inside her own head.

Her mind whirled through a series of thoughts that were occasionally hard for me to follow. She appeared to be considering the possibility of Laurent and Tanya engaged in some strenuous activity in Tanya's bedroom. She hadn't actually seen anything, which made it fuzzy, unlike the clear picture her memory would have drawn.

I wish I could have been more shocked, but my previous interactions with the sisters had made clear to me their general appetites, and of course a darkly handsome, prospective vegetarian like Laurent would have served as catnip to them. If anything, I was a little surprised that it hadn't happened sooner.

While I was relatively inexperienced myself, my gift had given me quite a broad knowledge base when it came to sex. My near and extended family had generally very healthy views of physical relations between consenting individuals. Unfortunately, I had also seen quite a bit of the darker side of human sexual experience as well, during my time hunting. I had fed upon many of the worst sexual offenders I could find, and of course, I had to witness their vile acts first, to be sure they were worthy of the dark gift of oblivion I had planned for them. Their acts had caused immense pain and suffering, often to human women, who found themselves helpless victims of the furious passions of much stronger men unable or unwilling to stop themselves.

I couldn't help it - my greatest fear came back to haunt me in that moment. It was a vision of me losing control of myself in my desire for Bella. Kissing her and holding her, just a split-second spasm of physical longing translated into a barely tighter grasp, and then: the sickening crunch of bone, the feel of damaged tissue in my hands, and the smell of her blood suffusing the air around me. The hunger twists around on me, and I lose control again….

It was long moments before I was able to recover myself from the vision. Of course I feared that her life would end, by whatever means - natural, accidental, or even at the hands of my blood-crazed brother. But it was worse, so much worse, thinking…even knowing…that I would kill her myself someday. I shuddered, over and over, in grief and in desperate, shameful longing.

Minutes passed, and way too slowly the horrors receded from my brain. _Focus, Edward!_ I chastised myself. I hadn't lost control of myself that way since my session with Jasper. Was his gift starting to lose its power? The thought horrified me.

I forced myself back into the coldness of the tracker, and eventually, I was able to regain my ability to listen again. I was shaky, but it would have to do. I had work to do.

Unfortunately, when I tuned back into her, Irina was still envisioning Laurent with Tanya. In her imaginings were none of the painful, horrible, and degrading acts I had recently recollected. She simply viewed them having a generally good time together. She tried to remain unmoved by the visions, but she was failing. I could sense the tension emanating from her thoughts.

Laurent exited the lodge onto the back deck. He moved gracefully, which was not unlike the rest of my kind. She watched as he paused, and then smiled, before coming to stand before her.

"Good morning," he trilled in his velvety accent. "I trust you are ready for another game with me today." He gave her a probing stare and his hand moved up to her cheek. She made just the barest of perceptible motions, flinching away from his touch. He seemed to take note of the motion, and dropped his hand away immediately. "I see that perhaps our games will be different in the future."

I tried to get a lock on his mental voice, but it was still part of the buzz for me. I went back to Irina, who was regarding Laurent with narrowed eyes. _I can't believe he's still courting me now. What does he expect from me?_ He appeared to catch her openly skeptical look, and turned to gaze off into the distance alongside her.

"What can I say, Irinushka? I am only a man, and your sister is quite the temptress, as you know. It was obviously a grave mistake, on both our parts. I can only claim that I was driven to madness by my longing for you." He turned back to gaze admiringly at her dark features, giving her a dazzling smile, that didn't seem the least apologetic.

"I thought you were different, Laurent." Irina didn't smile back. _Different from all the other men my sisters and I have used over the years. You dupe!_ "I thought you would see through her shallow offering, and reject it for what it was. My regard for you has always been different than hers."

His smile turned into a serious look. "I know it has, and I respect you all the more for it."

The earlier conversation between Kate and Tanya was now obvious to me. I bristled at this unworthy individual having a claim over any of my extended family members, but it was clear that he was now somewhat involved with at least two of them. For their sakes and for mine, I needed to know what his intentions were!

Desperation gave me a small boost in strength. I tightened my control and locked in on him. I could hear his voice faintly, as if at the end of a long cavern, slowly coming closer…very slowly. I strained…it hurt…but I could hear him. I smiled grimly, for the first time seeing through his eyes.

I could see Irina's beautiful face, and the possessive way his thoughts wrapped around her. She appeared to be uncertain, and he took advantage of her uncertainty, swooping in for a kiss. She hesitated, and then responded despite herself. As the kiss deepened, I could hear the tenor of his thoughts getting louder with insistence,_ Mine!_

After an eternity, Irina shoved roughly at his chest, and he let go of her, although his vision appeared to turn slightly red as he let go.

"You want me, and I want you," he stated challengingly. "Perhaps we want even more than that from each other. Why can't you give in to your desires?" _You're making me crazy with longing. I would do anything for you._

She put a few steps in between them, drawing in a shaky breath, and turned to face him. "Laurent, you know I could never commit myself to someone who wasn't ready to join me here. I won't give in until you've given up on the old ways."

I could see Laurent's face twisting, and it gave him away. _I would do anything but that_, he thought ruefully. "I need more time to become better adjusted to your rules."

"You've had time, and we've been very forgiving about your lapses," Irina countered. _I don't think he's really making the effort._ "Perhaps it would be best if you went away for a while, and thought about what you really wanted from us and our time here."

Laurent appeared to consider this, with thoughts both eager and hesitant. _I could definitely cheat while I was away, and I wouldn't get in nearly as much trouble. However, I'd have to give up the tender arms of one very lonely sister, for the dream of gaining the love of another. Is it worth it?_

He was undecided. "I will consider your sage advice, Irinushka, and leave you to your own thoughts." He began to depart, but then turned back to her. "If I left for a time, would you wait for me to return, my beauty?" he asked, his rich voice coaxing and deep.

Her eyes bore into his, and I could see a resolve formed there. _Yes._ "I don't know," she replied steadily.

_It is enough. _He bowed low, and gracefully departed the deck.

For her part, Irina's eyes followed his retreating form, and then turned back to the mountains, and tried not to envision Laurent in bed with her sister. She didn't quite succeed.

As soon as I was certain he was gone, I paused in my surveillance to catch my breath. The thwarted passion and unrequited longing I sensed in Laurent and Irina reminded me too much of my own selfish desires, and I needed a minute to recover.

Had Bella ever longed for me in the same way that Irina did when she gazed at Laurent? Of course she had - warm, passionate woman that she was. She was constantly falling prey to my lures, as well as her own fiery nature. As much as I had always wished for it to be otherwise, I knew that she had once desired me nearly as much as I still desired her. I closed my eyes and held on for dear life. _No, Edward. Don't think of that. Keep focused on your purpose here._

After another few shaky minutes, I opened my eyes again and let out the breath I had been holding. Monitoring the Denali clan was becoming more difficult, it seemed.

I tried to get back to the task, but I had a hard time finding Laurent's distant voice without the anchor of another familiar voice so near. Instead, I continued to search for his thoughts, while monitoring the others'. Kate was still off on her run, and Carmen and Eleazar took off shortly after rising for the day, perhaps sensing the tension in the house or maybe wishing to give the sisters some privacy.

For their part, Tanya and Irina avoided each other for a while in an elegant dance. Irina would come in the door, and Tanya would just be heading into her room. Tanya would come out of her room, and Irina would dart into the kitchen. So on and so forth, for several hours.

Finally, Tanya planted herself firmly on the couch in the main room, facing Irina's bedroom, with her arms folded across her chest. Irina came out eventually, descended the stairs, and faced her sister, an old look on her face. I expected to see betrayal there, but perhaps Irina had spent too much time with her sister to be surprised by her anymore.

"I'm sorry," Tanya muttered.

"I know," Irina replied tersely.

"It was a test, you know," Tanya added hesitantly.

"No. It was you being thoughtless. But it served as a good test." Irina did not flinch in the direct gaze she gave her sister.

"Yes," Tanya added, looking down.

"Yes." Irina finished the conversation. _And now I know._

Irina moved on past her to the kitchen area, and Tanya sighed again, biting her lip. It seemed to be all they could say on the subject. I sensed that the relationship between the two would be strained for a while, but the damage was not permanent, which was vital if the clan was to continue. I could tell from their thoughts that they understood each other – Irina needed time and space to forgive Tanya, and Tanya would give it to her.

I could only guess at what it was that Irina felt she had learned from the experience. Perhaps that Laurent was untrustworthy? That she cared for him? That he needed to make a clear-cut decision about his choice to become a vegetarian? I wasn't certain, and it worried me.

Eventually, Carmen and Eleazar entered the lodge with a flurry of activity, and the shaking off of snow. It was snowing? I looked up from my perch in my listening post. Yes, it was, and I was covered in the stuff. Interesting. I hadn't noticed.

The delicate flakes falling from the sky drifted down into my open palm and I studied their frozen structure. They were everything that Bella was not – cold, hard, and brittle. And yet they were beautiful in a delicate way, just like Bella's translucent skin and soft lips….

I gritted my teeth and sucked in another stabilizing breath. My fists clenched and unclenched. _Edward! Focus!_ I called to myself. I was way too easily distracted and likely to miss something. I forced my mind into submission. Fortunately for me, only a few seconds had passed.

Irina turned to face Carmen and Eleazar, and with a quiet and steady voice, she asked, "Is he gone?"

Eleazar appeared hesitant to speak, so Carmen came forward to answer. "Yes, querida mia. He's headed east into Canada. He doesn't appear to be slowing down."

Carmen looked like she wanted to embrace Irina, to comfort her. But Irina's gaze dropped, and she headed quietly up the stairs and into her bedroom. With a shrug, Tanya turned around and headed into hers. I could see Carmen and Eleazar exchange a significant look. Their thoughts on the subject were nearly identical.

I shook myself free of the drift that had formed around me, and burst into action. Laurent was leaving the clan, and heading to Canada. I didn't have any more time to lose. I had to pick up his trail before it got any more cold.

I was on the northern edge of the clan's territory, and took off at a sprint, delighted to be able to engage in such speed again. My week of surveillance came into good use, and I took a circuitous route to avoid both the clan's usual paths and any human notice, as I was moving in the open during the daylight hours, for once. When I reached the eastern arc, I slowed, trying to pick up a hint of scent from Laurent's trail.

I didn't encounter Laurent's trail, but Kate's instead, which was fresher than Laurent's would have been, had he left immediately. Thinking that perhaps Kate may have been tracking Laurent herself, I backed off a few paces to avoid contaminating the trail with my scent, and headed in the same direction. I listened desperately for Kate's voice, and periodically checked to make sure she was headed in the same direction. The sun set, which eliminated one of my worries, and the snow tapered off. I compensated by picking up my speed.

Finally, I caught the barest buzz of Kate's voice. She was several miles away, and had stopped moving. I slowed, moving carefully in her direction while listening to her thoughts intently.

It was clear she was arguing with Laurent. I could see him, standing before her, hands up in a conciliatory gesture. I concentrated, and honed in on his voice as well, with some difficulty.

"I am following Irina's suggestion that I spend some time away from the clan to reconsider my options." _Kate is a magnificent woman, herself. Such spirit, such fire! It's really too bad…._

"Don't come back unless you're going to commit to one course of action or another. I'm tired of you playing games with the clan…and my sisters." For her part, Kate was just as impressively angry with Laurent as she was with Tanya, except that this time, she didn't have to worry about being heard. Her voice echoed through the empty woods around her.

Laurent considered her statement for a while._ Patience,_ he thought to himself._ She's young. You have time to wait._ He nodded, and smiled in a carefully apologetic way.

Kate's lips thinned, and she took a deep breath. _I just don't trust him_, she thought, and she spun on her heel and raced off the way she had come. Laurent watched her go, with great interest.

After she had disappeared, he stood there for a moment longer, considering his options. This gave me time to get closer to his position. Before I reached him, he turned and headed off into Canada at full speed, with me following at my best pace, not far behind, and getting closer all the time. I could just barely keep track of his voice, and if he got too far ahead of me, I would lose him altogether. I had to catch up to him.

As he ran, I kept one eye on his thoughts, which dwelled happily on the three sisters – their beauty, their tenacity, and their strength. It wasn't clear whether he favored one over the others. His cavalier feelings towards my almost-sisters angered me, and I put on an extra burst of speed.

He angled south, which caused me to swear under my breath. He was avoiding the snow-covered passes to the north, and instead opting to head towards the less treacherous southeastern corner of the state. He was getting closer to the Alcan Highway…and all the tempting humans there.

As if in response to my fear, his thoughts focused on an ancient hunger deep within him, and his intentions crystallized. _Perhaps someday I will become a "vegetarian," as they call it, but not today. Today…I will feast._

Eventually, the sound of a truck rumbling past caused him to slow in anticipation, and I realized too slowly what he was doing. I jerked to a sudden stop less than a thousand feet from his position, and he heard the unnatural sound in the normally very quiet forest.

His thoughts instantly sharpened, and he searched for additional signs of my presence. I was completely still and made no sound, but unfortunately, my scent upon the wind gave me away. His sensitive nose inhaled deeply, and I could sense his suspicion blossom. "Stop hiding! If you have something to say to me, come and say it to me."

Alice, Jasper, Emmett and I had planned a number of tricks to get Laurent to think about Victoria without actually asking him about her. A splash of red hair in the wilderness, just enough to get him thinking she'd come to see him, only to find a mysterious wig had blown into the bracken. Calls for him from a woman with a similar voice to hers, but leaving no message and no name. Things like that.

Direct confrontation had been low on the list of options, and one that Alice had warned could have unforeseen repercussions. I realized now that I had no choice. I walked toward him slowly, letting him hear and smell my non-threatening approach.

His manner had been similar, when he, James, and Victoria had encountered my family many months ago. Back then, they were clearly outnumbered by us and in unfamiliar territory; whereas here, it was two equal vampires meeting on unclaimed land. Regardless, I didn't want him to see me as a threat, at least to start.

Eventually, I came within sight, and his carefully neutral expression turned resentful and cautious. "Edward. Imagine meeting you out here. Why? Why are you following me out into the woods on this inhospitable night?" _Has he lost interest in that delicious morsel of his? Did he finally kill her for her luscious blood?_ Laurent was already hungry, and sucked in a deep breath, remembering the smell.

I growled deep in my throat, on instinct. I couldn't help myself.

Laurent chuckled. "You seem to be threatening me, pup. I'm sure Carlisle taught you better manners than that. I'm not your enemy. I've been with the Denali clan, enjoying the company of your foster sisters. I'm sure they'll be interested to hear I've seen you." _How long has he been following me? What does he want?_ Laurent didn't consider me a threat, but he was worried about my motivations. And what I would say to the clan. It was something I could use against him.

"Don't tell them you've seen me," I threatened, "or I will tell them that as soon as you left the clan house and got far enough away that they wouldn't notice, you went hunting for human blood."

His chuckle stopped, and he regarded me with new eyes. "You're right, mind-reader; I don't want them to know that. It seems we are at each others' mercy." He smiled a false and bitter smile. "How long have you been spying on me and my clan?"

I could see in his thoughts that he really did consider himself a part of the Denali clan, which made me pause for a moment. While his actions were reprehensible in every other way – playing with the sisters, flagrantly violating the vegetarian lifestyle – he felt he owed them his allegiance. He was wondering how I might be a threat to them…all of them.

Could this despicable creature really become a member of my extended family? Did I need to give him the chance that we gave Jasper? Would he someday be my ally – my brother? I could feel no kindness in my heart for him, but I couldn't ignore his apparent feelings for those that I loved.

Following my instincts, my tactics changed in that one moment. I decided to level with him, despite Alice's warnings. "I was hoping to ask you about…Victoria."

"Victoria?" Laurent was surprised. His thoughts flashed back to his days with James and Victoria, and I carefully catalogued every image than spun past. "I don't know what has happened to her. I imagine she's not very happy with me right now." He shuddered infinitesimally, when he considered the strength of her displeasure.

"I owe her for her part in Bella's pain," I declared.

Images of Bella in the hospital filled my brain, and I froze momentarily as they inundated me. The transfusions needed to save her life, the broken bone mending slowly in the rigid cast, the cuts everywhere in her delicate skin…. I steeled myself against the longing and the rage that the images wrought in me, both so powerful that they threatened to overcome me.

I had to keep focused on Laurent, standing right in front of me. With effort, I pulled my mind back to the present. We were talking about Victoria.

"I intend to track her," I ground out through clenched teeth.

Laurent considered my statement with deep suspicion. "You'll never find her. She'll evade your outstretched hands like the cold wind blows through these desolate woods." _I learned quite a bit from her – very useful information!_

"Give me some ideas – places to look, or someplace to start. Where would she go, now that James is dead?" I queried him.

_Yes, dead, _Laurent thought somberly. _And you intend to see that Victoria follows him. _His eyes narrowed and his head cocked to one side. "A human's pain is worth all this?" Again he sounded surprised, and not a little displeased.

I could only utter one furious word in response, "Yes."

I realized that over the last few sentences, Laurent and I had slowly begun crouching into a fighting stance. I don't know who had started it, but now we were both tensed and glaring.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you. I won't turn on my former kinswoman over a human." His thoughts echoed his declaration of intent. He was becoming impatient with my attitude. _Don't challenge my authority on this, mind-reader. I've seen three times as many years as you have. I have survived when others have fallen. Keep that in mind before you decide to challenge me, whelp._

"I'm not leaving until you give me something I can use to find her," I demanded, unmoved by his threats.

Now we were circling one another, slowly. He took one step to the right, and I answered with one of my own.

"Then you'll be here for a long time." Laurent was heading toward incensed, and I was struggling to keep my cool myself. _I'll show you a lesson or two, young Edward, if you need it. You're no match for me._

Without warning, he spun towards me, trying to catch me by the arm and spin me into a nearby tree, but I heard his intentions and reacted too quickly. I evaded his hold and sent him sprawling instead, with a sharp blow to his back as he went past. I turned and launched myself at his prone form, but his arms came up and deflected me to the side. I had barely caught my balance, when I heard his thoughts and rolled to the side to avoid a massive blow. He had twisted up from the ground and his powerful arms had whistled through the air in exactly the spot I had been located moments before. I regained my footing, and he did the same, reorienting to face me again.

We glared at each other across a small clearing, assessing. He hadn't accounted for the advantage my gift gave me in combat, and he was considering how that changed things. He had always considered himself a superior combatant, and wasn't prepared for an even fight with me, a comparatively inexperienced youngster. He was wondering if this was how James had met his end.

"It doesn't have to be this way. We could be family! Help me," I pleaded. Even as I said it, I knew it was a wasted effort. His pride had now been damaged, and he wouldn't willingly give me the information I sought.

"Family doesn't ask you to betray your companions. You are no family of mine," Laurent spat.

He came to the conclusion others, including Jasper, had come to before, that relying on instinct in battle was the best bet when facing me. He launched a rapid offensive, and kept me busy for a few long minutes in pure defense. For his size, he was both powerful and fast, and had obviously seen some serious combat in his 300 years. Regardless, he couldn't beat me in a fight with my gift at my disposal, and I heard that thought cross his mind.

In response, his attacks became momentarily more aggressive. After a series of three consecutive parries, it took me a split second longer than usual to regain my stance, and I realized that he was no longer facing me in the clearing. Instead, he was running toward the highway. I gave pursuit immediately.

I almost caught up with him, when I heard the honk of a surprised semi. I crossed the Alcan Highway just in front of the truck rumbling past at top speed, and that's when I realized that Laurent was no longer in front of me. After a moment, I knew where he must have gone.

I back-tracked, and gave chase to the truck. In seconds, I was aboard, and spent a few long minutes scanning the top, sides, cab, undercarriage, and even the trailer for Laurent. There was no sign of him anywhere, though his scent lingered. I decided that he must have discarded the truck at some point, and leapt back off to see where he might have gone.

I scanned for his mind, and found nothing. I ghosted up and down both sides of the highway trying to locate his scent, but I found nothing. The only scents of Laurent were in the vicinity of our original fight and chase.

I stood in the clearing for a few minutes, trying to think of what I might have missed. It occurred to me that he might have backtracked over his original trail to hide his scent. Slowly, I began to re-trace his steps, looking for any side trails. I ranged farther and farther afield. I was desperate, looking for a needle in a haystack – the one-in-a-million chance.

I didn't find it. When an hour had passed and I hadn't found any trace of him, I had to admit that he was gone. He had evaded me just like he'd said Victoria could. _Like the cold wind through the desolate woods._

The realization dropped me like a stone. _Bella, I'm so sorry. _Bella's face appeared in front of me, obscuring my vision of the forest floor. She was seized with the searing agony of the venom, sprawled out on the floor of the ballet studio. Carlisle was pleading with me to suck out the venom, but I could barely hear him through the red haze that obscured my vision and my thoughts. My desire for her blood raged through me, with my will to see her live barely holding it in check.

_Bella, I'm so sorry_, I moaned again. I didn't fail her then, but it was a near thing. The whole situation was my fault – just like this disaster. So much for being good at everything.

I don't recall how long I lay there in my misery, crumpled up in the newly fallen snow under rapidly clearing skies. Eventually, I unwound myself, and rolled over onto my back, wondering what I was going to do now. The crushing feeling in my chest didn't relent.

It was then that I caught glimpse of something for which Fairbanks was famous, especially in the winter months - something I should have been expecting. The northern lights, which had been quiet throughout the weeks I'd spent here, chose this night to blaze in all their iridescent glory. I glared at them, angry that they would finally deign to shine their beauty down on me while I lay there humbled in embarrassing defeat.

I couldn't stop staring as they undulated slowly across the sky. Their delicate dance reminded me of the way the sunlight rippled through Bella's hair, the graceful way she moved her hands, and the way the flush spread from the points of her cheeks to the rest of her face until her whole body glowed with the warmth. In my anger and despair, I allowed myself to lie there mesmerized for hours, seeing not just the ghostly colors in the sky, but the earthy tones of another, infinitely more beautiful world.

It was reminiscent of another time I had lain in the snow, staring up at the Alaskan skies, wondering how fate had been so unkind as to burn Bella's face and scent into my unchanging memory.

This time I had to admit that it wasn't fate that had undone me. It had been my own actions. This made it somehow harder to bear the defeat. _How could I have failed her so easily? He was within my grasp, and I let him get away!_

My anger at my ineptitude didn't lessen as time went on. Nor did the hopelessness of knowing I had lost my way. When the darkness gave way to dawn and the lights dissipated, I sucked in a deep breath, and levered myself up into a sitting position. Wallowing wasn't going to get me any closer to my goal, but it was hard to resist. This time, I found the strength.

I had time and patience, I reminded myself. I was immortal, as was everyone else involved, and I had nothing else to do. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the coldness and focus with which I had started this mission. I pulled the memory deep within me, and tried to replace my burning shame with cool intensity instead. By the time I opened my eyes again, I was a bit more composed. It was the best I could do.

I would have to carry my search elsewhere, while waiting for Laurent to return to Denali. I was certain he would return eventually. I could tell from his thoughts that he didn't feel like his dealings with the clan sisters were over. When he was certain I was gone, he would return.

I returned to my second listening post and spent a few more days tuned in to the happenings in the clan house to see if I could pick up any more information on my target. Unfortunately, nothing had changed and very little was said or thought of Laurent. It seemed all the inhabitants were doing their best not to think of him. Eventually, I decided I would gain nothing more in Denali until he returned.

It had been a long time, so I succumbed to hunger, and fed my inner monster before leaving the wildlife-rich environs of Denali. I would not be reckless, as I had promised Carlisle.

Finally, I returned to Fairbanks, and spent a day sketching the images I had plucked from Laurent's mind when he had thought of James and Victoria. I scanned them in to my communications equipment and sent them to Jasper, along with a one sentence description of my complete and utter failure to gain any information from Laurent, and the fact that I didn't know where he'd gone. I sat and stared at the screen, watching the electrons dance, trying not to see Bella's face in the patterns, and wondering where I would go next to continue my search.

An hour later, Jasper rang me through the equipment. I turned to stare at the noise, willing it to stop. Eventually, I gave up and answered it. "What?" I muttered.

"Edward, it's Jasper. I've got something for you." Jasper sounded just a touch excited.

"What?" I repeated, perplexed. I had assumed he would be as disappointed in the Laurent exchange as I had been.

"This sketch…you've labeled it number four…I know where this is." The excitement in his voice was palpable, and I roused myself from my torpor to pull it out and look at it again.

"Where is it, Jasper?"

"Texas, in my old stomping grounds. There's often quite a large colony of vampires here in this old building – four or five of them, I would imagine. I must have battled over this piece of turf more than once."

"Which city?" I asked, catching the excitement. I began to pack up my supplies.

"Austin," Jasper breathed. "Be careful, Edward. These vampires run by different rules than you're used to."

"Thanks, Jasper. I'm packing up and on my way." And indeed I was already flying around the room, halfway ready to depart already.

"I'll find you a base of operations by the time you get there."

"I'll call you." I was ready to leave this disappointing land of snow and ice. And Austin was certainly a change of scenery. I hoped that someone there would be more accommodating with information about Victoria than Laurent had been. They had to be.

And I had to be much smarter next time. I had to be.

© 2009 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton


	5. Chapter 5 Informant

**Informant**

_Evading Edward in Alaska had been so laughably easy, I chuckled about it the rest of the night. The arrogance of youth!_

_The laughter died in my throat, however, when I thought of James, cunning and ruthless James. The Cullens had chosen a human over one of their own. Their combined efforts had obliterated one of the brightest minds I had ever met, in all my travels. Yes, he had his faults, but…for a human? I couldn't wrap my head around it, and the longer I thought about it the more alien the concept became. It was as unbelievable as the vegetarian lifestyle they and the beautiful Denali sisters had embraced._

_Dawn found me sitting in the cab of semi, engine idling, just off the road someplace in the Canadian Rockies. The driver had slaked my thirst, and now he was slumped over on the seat next to me. The body would be easy to dispose of out here in the wilderness._

_I looked at his corpse, and tried to find some remorse in me for his death. There was none. Over my 300 years, I couldn't remember once feeling remorse. I was a vampire, and when I became a vampire, all care for the living world had vanished from me. I was a hunter, and they were my prey. I was a superior being, and they were my cattle._

_Peace I longed for, as well as the stability of a home. I had had neither for too many years to count. I also wanted love – the love of a beautiful woman – one I could call my own. For these things, I had briefly considered that horrific vegetarian lifestyle. For a time, it had been enough._

_Soon, I would have to decide whether I could try again, but not for a few weeks yet. I smiled secretly. The evidence in my eyes would keep me away at least that long. I might as well enjoy the freedom._

_I investigated the cab for anything of interest, and found nothing useful, except for a cell phone. Remarkably, it had a signal, even all the way out here. After a moment's deliberation, I dialed a number from memory._

_After three rings, a voice drawled "Alan," in a deep southern accent._

"_Alan…it is Laurent," I purred into the phone._

"_Laurent, you old traitor! I heard you turned in the lovebirds for some crazy lifestyle eatin' nothing but deer. Is that right?" Alan didn't sound in the least exited or perturbed, but perhaps just a touch curious._

"_Ahhh, the story is a long one, and better saved for another time." I paused to give my next statement the necessary weight. "I have a message to give," I divulged, "to Victoria."_

"_Really?" Alan dragged out the word several syllables longer than it needed to be. There was a pause. "I don't think she wants to talk to you right now." Given Alan's gift for understatement, Victoria was probably ready to spit fire at me._

"_Tell her I have information on the Cullens that would be useful to her. If she wants revenge, she needs to call me." I gave him the phone number of the borrowed cell, and bade the ancient vampire farewell. Alan was useful, but not in the least trustworthy. I didn't want to talk to him any longer than I needed to._

_I gave it four hours. She called back in two. I was still in the truck – for what I had in mind, I was in no hurry._

"_Hello," I ventured hesitantly. There was no guarantee who'd be calling._

_The response was a familiar hiss. Clearly Victoria wasn't over her anger at me yet._

_I planned to enjoy this as much as possible. "Ahhh, beauty. Don't be angry at me. It wasn't I who killed James over some human."_

"_If you have information, tell me what it is, and I'll decide whether I'm still planning to kill you." Victoria's voice was low and venomous, and caused a frisson of fear to slide down my spine. I straightened in my seat and began again, this time in earnest._

"_I have been living with a clan of vegetarian vampires, as they call themselves, closely allied with the Cullens. I know everything there is to know about them – their abilities, their personalities, and their weaknesses. They were a more formidable foe than James ever could have expected." _

_I stared out at the brightening skies, and wondered briefly when Edward would arrive in Texas. A slow smile crept over me. "Perhaps most importantly, I know where Edward will be over the next few days, and that he will be alone and vulnerable. Interested?"_

_I could sense the tense alertness on the other side of the line. "Tell me," she breathed._

_Over the next hour, I regaled her with stories about the Cullens, especially Alice's visions and Edward's mind-reading - stories told around the fire in Denali. I should have felt like a traitor, but after Edward's unprovoked assault, I just couldn't find it in me to care._

"_How do you know where he will be?" she questioned, suspiciously, when I was done._

"_When he first asked me about you, I thought fleetingly of a few places we'd traveled to in the early days, places you'd once called…home. I'm sure he caught them, and I'm sure he knows where one of them is. He'll be heading to that place."_

_She paused, thinking my theory through, and asked, "Which place?"_

"_That old hotel, in Austin. I'm sure he'll be there," I answered._

"_Why?" she exclaimed. "Very few vampires ever ventured close without our knowledge. I'm sure he hasn't traveled there."_

"_One of the Cullens has." I waited for the clues to collect, and then sighed. James would have pieced it together already. Beautiful, yes. Deadly, yes. But Victoria just wasn't as sharp as James._

"_Do you remember when we faced the Cullens at the baseball game? Do you remember the scarred vampire? The dangerous one?" I queried._

"_Yes. Jasper, you said - the empath."_

"_Jasper," I repeated. The silence continued on the other side of the phone. "His full name is Jasper Hale," I whispered. I smiled widely and waited for her reaction. I wasn't disappointed._

_Victoria's growls reverberated over the phone like a rolling peal of thunder._

"_They'll both die," she promised menacingly._

_I chuckled to myself. "I thought you'd like that."_

_Her growls eventually resided to a hiss._

"_So," I ventured, as if it were nothing important, "you'll be returning home then, to the Colonel?"_

_The hissing died. Silence reigned again on her side of the phone. Victoria had never been much of a talker, preferring instead a more physical language of her own. Before James and I found her, she didn't talk much at all, I gathered._

"_If I find Edward, and kill him based on your lead, I will forgive you," she whispered into the phone, her voice neutral, but still in its own way menacing._

_Then she hung up on me. I hadn't expected more. It would be enough if she were to forgive her vendetta against me. Our kind did not forgive easily, I knew._

_I wondered if perhaps someday she might get over her infatuation with James, and begin to look for a more mature vampire on which to lavish her attentions. I gritted my teeth as I remembered all the times I was forced to listen to their…activities. Victoria wasn't the brightest of us, but she was beautiful, in a deadly sort of way. I had wanted her for a long time._

_I hefted the truck driver out the door and prepared to dispose of him properly. Something made me pause, intuition perhaps? I grabbed the cell phone and charger. I might need it someday again._

_Victoria had this number._

© 2010 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton


	6. Chapter 6 Austin

Austin

As soon as I could liberate the Aston-Martin from the garage and pack my gear into it, I was underway. It seemed that every leg of my journey was getting bigger and longer. Austin was even farther away from Denali than Ithaca – the trip alone took me several days to complete. In addition, the Austin metropolitan area was much larger than Fairbanks – four times as big, in fact.

Unlike Denali, the area was almost completely foreign to me. My family had always kept to the north, seeking to avoid the clan warfare that permeated the southern reaches of the U.S. and Mexico. When I had been a hunter, I had primarily kept to the north as well, never far from one of the larger cities.

However, Jasper seemed intimately familiar with Austin, and several of his war stories originated from the region surrounding it. While I drove, he downloaded reams of information on the area and its possible inhabitants to my communications console, and I spent the long hours on the road learning whatever I could to prepare myself for this next trial.

I entered town on I-35 from the north, and stopped my journey in the northern suburbs. Jasper was convinced that the area's vampires would be located in the city center, and that I should be pretty unrecognizable in the fringes. Jasper had also sent me a name and address located in a commercial office park nearby. I was to meet with a real estate agent there at eight.

The agent was an elegant older lady dressed in a smart suit, and didn't seem the least perturbed at my somewhat disheveled appearance. "Mr. Cullen?" she trilled. "So pleased to meet you! Was your journey difficult?" she queried as she shook my cold hand smartly, without a hint of concern.

"Ummm….no, it was fine," I muttered. Except for Laurent, I had spoken to fewer than five individuals in Alaska, and all of them sturdy, quiet types. This lady vibrated with an innate energy I hadn't encountered in months. Since the last time I spoke to Alice, in fact.

"Mr. Jasper had indicated that you'd be by to pick up the keys and codes to your new headquarters. I'm so glad we'll be able to accommodate your needs. You'll just love Austin!" She took my arm and wheeled me towards a non-descript commercial building.

She showed me around a workspace set up for technology start-up firms, with plentiful workbench space, moderate office space, and even spare living quarters.

"For those individuals who can't bear to be parted from their work!" she chirped, clearly including me in that category.

When I witnessed my appearance in the bathroom mirror during the tour, I could tell why. I looked like I hadn't bathed or changed clothes in a week, but the designer threads that Alice always provided were clearly expensive and trendy. Combined with my relatively young age and weary-looking eyes, I looked every inch the exhausted but brilliant CEO of an upcoming technology firm.

I wondered what Bella would think if she could see me now, and stood there for a long minute, staring into the glass, looking at Bella staring back at me. I reached a hand out to her still form, willing her to speak, but stopped at the polite cough from the agent. In a hurry, I blocked the reflection from my view.

Eventually the agent left, and I transferred the equipment into the office and connected to Jasper, just as I had in Fairbanks.

"Edward!" Alice exclaimed, as soon as she heard my voice.

"Alice," I murmured warningly. "I told you not to look for my future."

"Goodness, Edward. You'd think I get all of my information from my visions." Again, she sounded hurt, and I realized that I'd hear about this from Jasper when I next spoke to him. I couldn't help but grown inwardly. "In fact, Jasper told me about the appointment, and made a guess as to when you'd be ready to make this call based on previous information. I didn't use my extra abilities at all!"

"Oh," I muttered. I searched for something to say, some sort of apology, and failed.

"But speaking of visions, I did want to talk to you," she continued.

I took a deep steadying breath and glared at the console. "What is it?" I inquired ungraciously. Thoughts of apologizing disappeared.

"Edward, I keep getting this image of you and…flames of some sort. I'm not looking for these visions, I promise! But they keep coming to me, and I'm worried about you. I think you're in danger there in Austin."

"I think I'm probably in danger as long as I'm tracking someone dangerous like Victoria," I commented dryly, finally finding my long-unused voice.

"Well, you must be getting closer. The danger's gotten strong enough that I can see it this far away!" she practically yelled.

A memory of the real estate agent trilling, "You'll just love Austin!" echoed through my head. _Welcome to Texas, _I thought.

Jasper arrived, and after a gentle tussle, evicted Alice from the console seat so we could run our usual tests, Alice still peering over his shoulder, a warning look on her face. I queried him on a few aspects of his information download, and we discussed strategy. Not knowing what to expect, we went with our usual careful approach.

First, I got cleaned up and re-supplied. I serviced the Aston-Martin, and repaired a few bits of malfunctioning equipment. The Austin area was perfect for such things.

At the same time, I began a careful reconnaissance of the area media: radio, television, and newspaper. I was looking for those subtle signs of vampire activity which can sometimes go unnoticed by the local human population. While I tinkered at the workbenches, I sometimes had three television stations and four radio stations playing simultaneously, with a newspaper spread out next to me. I also listened in to frequencies for local ham radio operators and law enforcement, and the university radio station.

This was more challenging than it should have been. My vampire brain should have been up to this task easily. Instead, the constant barrage of information only served up constant reminders of Bella. I constantly found myself drifting, remembering. The task took longer than it should have.

Grimly, I soldiered through, learning quite a bit about Austin, confirming the information that Jasper had provided – that Austin is a relatively low-crime area, fueled by a booming economy driven by the local university and the associated tech sector companies. For its relative size and complexity, there wasn't a whole lot of subversive activity going on in Austin. It boasted a quite low crime rate, including homicide and missing persons. If there were vampires in the area, they appeared to be feeding outside of the city and keeping a low profile. Vampire warfare was out of the question.

Bolstered by this information, I began a careful surveillance of the target building which lasted for three days. During the day I parked the car someplace downtown, and scanned the surroundings carefully for any resident vampire thoughts.

As I wasn't really using my eyes, they were free to occupy themselves starting at Bella's reflection on the inside of the Aston-Martin's carefully tinted glass, instead of watching the shoppers, college students, and professionals who populated the area by turns. Sometimes, I'd lose track of the thoughts I was supposed to be tracking, and the surrounding conversations would die down to a buzz. I'd sit there, basking in the weak winter sunlight, made weaker still by the dark glass. The buzz changed to resemble the gentle patter of rain, and I'd remember sitting there with Bella, wishing that my time with her in the car would never end.

I had to admit I'd never really allowed myself that wish. I had always been distracted by her scent, something I could remember even now. Instead of wishing that I could sit there with her forever, I was always wishing that I would be strong enough to leave her – to love her enough to make her safe. From me, from the others of my kind…from everything.

_Bella, _I thought despairingly. _I've done it – I've left you alone. I've made you safe. Have I proven it – how much I love you? Will you believe me now when I tell you how much you're the only thing that's ever really mattered to me?_

I implored her still form over and over again, haunted by the last expression I'd ever seen on her face. Her silent reflection never answered me, and I knew I'd never get an answer. Eventually, I would shake myself alert with a sigh, and continue my fruitless scan of the area. Three days I scanned, and I never learned anything new.

When nightfall came, I drifted out of my vehicle and scouted the urban landscape for signs of immortal presence. I looked, I listened, I smelled, and I scanned. Nothing appeared out of place. Unlike my earlier experiences, haunting the wasted northern cities, this was relatively pleasant. The older downtown section of Austin was amazingly gentrified, and almost completely crime-free. The architecture was acceptably interesting, and the residents were generally good-hearted individuals.

Eventually, I zeroed in on the target building itself – the Driskill Hotel. After sensing nothing out-of-place for days, I finally decided to check it out – by checking in. If I found no sign of activity in next few days, I decided I would have to count this trail as cold.

When I let Jasper know my plans, I could sense that he was perplexed by the lack of activity. Either the vampires in the area had been eradicated and not replaced, which seemed unlikely, or they had become experts at lying low, which could cause problems for me.

His closing message to me, "Edward, be careful," seemed to echo both his own concerns and Alice's general anxiety. He never could stop himself from picking up on Alice's feelings.

The lobby of the Driskill was unlike most hotels, and even unlike most historic southern hotels. Everything from the unique old art pieces that decorated every spare wall surface to the priceless marble designs in the lobby floors would be hard to replicate.

This was the building in Laurent's vision. There could be no mistake. The building itself was distinctive, from its unusual late 19th Century design, to the unique portrait hanging in the lobby showing the builder, Colonel Jesse Driskill.

According to Jasper, the Colonel had been a vampire back in the warring days, and built this hotel as a safe-house for members of his army. They'd had their own entrance, lost over time to renovations, and they'd defended the place well. Jasper didn't report having won any battles here. On the contrary, he'd once lost all of his followers in a raid on the place, except for Peter, who had hauled Jasper out of the building at the end.

"Is he still there, the Colonel, I mean?" I had asked.

Jasper had hesitated. "I don't know, Edward. I would bet he's dead, given the amount of battle he's seen. But Maria and I are still alive, and Peter, so who knows? Perhaps he's haunting the place still." According to local legend, the hotel was haunted by the Colonel's ghost, and several patrons had mentioned seeing the Colonel's form in the foyer late at night.

Alert for signs of the Colonel or any of his coven, ghost or vampire, I visited all of the areas open to the public, and circled the outside, assessing the structure with both my superior eyesight and my extensive training as an architect.

Portions of it were marked off for repairs, and I made a survey of those as well. It seemed that the landmark building had undergone extensive repairs since its inception, but certain design features had never been changed. Eighteen-inch thick brick walls stood between certain rooms. The floors were iron-reinforced, purportedly because the builder was afraid of fires breaking out in his hotel. I remembered Alice's warning, and wondered vaguely if there was a connection.

I noted that Room 525 was only a few doors down from mine. From Jasper's information, Room 525 had been the scene of several ghastly suicides in the 20th Century, which he suspected weren't suicides at all, given the vampire connection with the building. It was on his list of highly suspicious locations within the building to investigate.

In addition to Room 525, I noted that the building was home to many physical irregularities, caused by the patchwork of renovations and the unusual original construction. The irregularities could house undiscovered passages or rooms, possibly home to a few itinerant vampires, if they didn't mind living in cramped spaces, that is.

Eventually, I returned to my room to investigate using alternative means. I laid down on the opulently soft bed for lack of something better to do, and gazed up at the ceiling to wait for the mental hubbub to die down. This bed was so different from the sparse furnishings I'd had in Fairbanks, the comparison was comical. I didn't have a lot of experience with beds, not really having needed one before, but I could remember one bed that held particular interest for me.

Bella's room - decorated in soft colors and soft lighting, reminiscent of Bella herself. Over the months she'd lived there, it had taken on more and more of her personality, until the room seemed made for her. For almost a year, I'd spent as much time there as I had at the Cullen manor, and I knew every crevasse and corner of it. If I closed my eyes, I could actually hear her sighing in her sleep….

I forced my eyes to open. _Focus, Edward_, I berated myself with grim amusement. _You may be deep in enemy territory right now. The least you could do is pay attention before they set you on fire._

Most of the occupants headed off to sleep eventually, and the background buzz wound down to a general minimum around 3 AM. With so little noise to interfere, I was pushed my hearing out to its limits.

For some reason, it felt a little dulled, as if something was being shielded from me. It wasn't the blankness I always received when I tried to hear Bella's thoughts, but something more akin to hearing Alice's thoughts, if Alice were thinking very carefully about white noise. Of course, Alice would never choose something so basic – it wasn't her style. But perhaps it was someone else's idea of 'lying low'? I concentrated harder, but all I could pick up was white noise. It was frustrating, and a little concerning as well. _Who knows I'm here? Who knows how to block my hearing?_

I finally picked up the sharp tang of an immortal mind coming into the lobby through the front doors. This wasn't the source of the block – this mind was simple in its self-centeredness, and vaguely reminded me of reading Rosalie's uncomplicated thoughts.

I watched as the vampire gestured at the desk staff, and clicked her way across the marble floors to the elevators. The hotel personnel weren't surprised by her coming in at such an hour, or by her unnatural pallor or deep ruby eyes. _She must be a regular_, I surmised.

She resembled Victoria in an overt way, down to the long red curls, but the resemblance stopped there. This woman possessed none of the cageyness of Victoria, and her eyes were completely lacking in artifice. What they possessed was boredom.

Her hand punched the button for the fifth floor. I sprang up from the bed, made sure my exits were clear, and waited uneasily behind my door. I didn't know of any reason for her to attack me, but I was clearly in her territory in the warring south – that was reason enough for some vampires.

When she came out of the elevator, she sauntered straight over to my room and whispered at the door panel, "I know you're in there…. Come out, and we can play!"

With this she turned around and headed to the end of the hall. When she reached the door for Room 525, she pulled out an ancient key that didn't resemble a modern keycard. She unlocked the door, stepped inside, and dropped the key on the rug outside the door. Then she pulled the door shut behind her.

I surveyed the inside of the room from her eyes. She shrugged off a floor-length wrap to reveal a stunning evening dress beneath, elaborate and revealing. She lowered herself into a deep armchair and stared at the door. I could sense she was hoping I'd take her bait. I could also sense that while she wasn't a friend, she had no immediate plans to harm me.

I waited for more than an hour for her to think more about the others in her coven, but her thoughts were remarkably shallow. She thought about parties, fashion, and her own boredom. More than once she hoped that I would come over and play. She didn't focus too deeply on what that might entail, for which I was grateful.

Finally, I chuckled reluctantly. It really did resemble listening to Rosalie's thoughts, minus the wit and sharp judgments. I sighed, realizing that I missed her, and even missed listening to her acerbic thoughts. While Rosalie was always a bit of a thorn in my side, she was also the cure to my ego. She was my sister, and really, there was nothing more to it than that.

I knew I should contact Jasper, and see if he had any information about this woman. He hadn't sent any information on her, and I knew he'd been pretty thorough about everyone he'd felt could be involved with the local coven. Any communication from here could be monitored, so I'd have to go back to the suburbs. I might lose this lead while checking it out.

After considering my options for a long moment, I decided to take the bait. I was down the hall in a flash and in her room in less than a second.

The woman's eyes lit up in excitement when she saw me. She rose gracefully to her feet, and gave me an appraising stare that travelled up and down my body. A slow and sultry smile wandered across her lips.

Once upon a time I was used to blocking out the constant interest of other women. It came as a shock now, not just because I had been away from it for so long, but also because this woman's thoughts were so basic, so hungry, that they nearly took my breath away.

"My name's Josephine Driskill, Josie for short. I'm delighted to make your acquaintance." Her voice was soft like honey, and possessed that soft Texan lilt I was used to hearing in Jasper.

"Edward. Edward Cullen," I responded automatically, years of good manners saving me and making me reach out to shake her hand in the gentlest of ways. Her hand was cold, hard, and like mine, could crush a man's skull, I reminded myself.

"Edward, please make yourself at home. I apologize that the quarters are not as spacious as I would like, but we'll just have to make do. Is there anything I can get you?" Her manners were perfunctory, and as she spoke, she settled herself comfortably back into her armchair and beamed at me with a coy smile.

I chose another seat close to the window and the door, just in case I had to make a hasty exit. I tried to look at ease. I wasn't certain that Josie was fooled.

"Yes, Josie, there is something you can get for me. I was hoping to meet the other members of your coven." I tried to give her a charming smile, but my mouth seemed unable to work properly. It was somehow frozen in a frown.

"Edward, dear," Josie purred, "the Colonel will be along soon enough. Perhaps we can spend the time until then getting to know each other a little better?" She leaned forward hopefully, and cast her eyes downward in a series of flutters.

_She'd actually batting her eyelashes at me,_ I thought. _I didn't realize people still did that outside of the movies._

The difference between the false, brazen, and shallow woman before me and my lovely, trustworthy Bella was so acute, that it made it difficult for me to keep the disgust off of my face. I mastered both a shudder and a sneer, and managed to keep my face carefully blank. To hide my reaction, I gazed about the room, looking for clues.

"So the Colonel's still alive? I wasn't certain he would be, after all these years," I ventured casually, trying to sound light. "Are the others still around?"

"You know the Colonel? He didn't seem to know you." Josie smiled a satisfied smile, and seemed content with my response. Her head tilted to the side, and she considered me carefully. I could see in her thoughts she was wondering what the connection between us was.

After a moment, she continued, "Well, I suppose you'd remember William, and my long-lost sister Constance, but Kevin's quite new to our coven."

"Does Constance…look anything like you?" I asked carefully.

She made a face and I could sense that she was disgusted by the question. "Ugh, no, Constance looks nothing like me. She's a complete savage." A lovely pout covered her features. "I just don't understand it. Kevin is so taken with Constance these days….he used to be mine, but now I'm all alone." Her eyes held an open invitation. "I need someone new to keep me occupied. Please tell me you're here for a long visit."

I tried to look interested, but once again, my expression wouldn't quite follow my commands. I could see in her expression that I looked a little pained, which caused her to change tack.

"Edward, don't you think you might make yourself a little more comfortable?" she ventured, rapidly rising from her seat, and going over to an ancient record-player. She selected a pristine LP from a stack and fitted it neatly on the player, starting the music with a quick movement of her wrist.

Before I knew what was happening, she was directly in front of me, eyes once again fluttering demurely. "I know it's a tad forward, but I can't help but ask…would you honor me with a dance?"

My eyes said "No," long before my mind had even begun to formulate a response to her plea. There was no stopping my instant reaction.

Josie didn't seem the least bit perturbed by my reticence, but instead reached down to pull at my hands. My manners once again saved me, and I allowed her to pull me upright without a struggle. She settled a hand at my waist and took my other hand in hers.

My muscles automatically engaged in the gentlest of dances, while I concentrated on not touching her body unnecessarily. I hadn't danced with anyone since Bella, and even this forced march seemed like a violation, a betrayal.

_Bella! I'm so sorry, my love. _I gritted my teeth and tried to look anywhere but down into Josie's welcoming eyes. I tried to remember what it had felt like to dance with Bella, but the contrast was once again so sharp that I had to suppress the shudders. Bella had been soft and pliant, uncertain but trusting. Josie was practically leading me along, her grip strong and confident.

"So Edward, why have you come to our lovely city to see the Colonel?" Josie murmured silkily, interrupting my wayward thoughts.

"I'm looking for someone," I gasped, "a woman I met up north."

"Really?" Josie's voice held a bit more steel now. "Any particular reason?"

I really was a wreck, I realized. I'd once been able to lie straight into Bella's agonized face. Since then, I'd lost so much of myself – my concentration, my abilities – in the struggle to keep myself going through this horrible half-life without her. Now, in my degraded state, I could barely keep my expressions under control, and had nearly no control over the sound of my voice.

I opened my mouth to lie to Josie, and then didn't trust my expression to match my words. I decided, instead, to keep as close to the truth as possible. "I owe her something, and I'd like to pay her back." There, that seemed safe.

Josie considered my answer for a while, and then insinuated her body against mine in a welcoming way. I stopped the dance and tried to pull away immediately, but she locked her arms around my back.

She pouted up at me with a brilliant smile. "Depending on what you owe her, I might be willing to take payment instead."

I closed my eyes and tried to maintain control over the revulsion, the utter derision that wanted to overwhelm me. Part of me wanted to maintain the charade, to get more information from her. But the stronger part of me would not bear it.

All pretence left me at that moment. I gave her my most withering glare, and extracted myself from her embrace in a flash. It could have turned ugly, but she was a better judge of mood than I expected her to be, and let go exactly at the moment when I would have used force. I turned my back on her, and spat out over my shoulder, "When the Colonel is ready to see me, tell him I'll be in my room." Then I marched out the door and down the hallway

I returned to my room, and with my back against the door, attempted to think. Should I return to the workspace and update Jasper securely? Might I miss my chance to talk to the Colonel that way? Do I place a cell phone call from the hotel, knowing that it could be intercepted? I needed to decide, and quickly.

There was no time. Josie received a call in her room. The Colonel was ready to see me now. She smiled, and headed out to the hallway to let me know.

_Just like Denali,_ I thought. I felt like I was getting beaten at chess by a superior player. I had a good idea of what to do in the early game, but then things didn't turn out like I expected, and I had no backup plan. How do you prepare for every possibility? Too much depended on this for me to make mistakes.

Again, like Denali, I was going to have to go on instinct. Instinct told me that I had been lured into the wasp's nest by complacency and now they had the element of surprise. Had Josie been sent as a distraction? Did she even know what part she played in this?

"Come, Edward. Let's go see the Colonel," Josie called lightly from only inches away through the door.

I took a deep breath, and opened the door to face her again. She didn't look the least apologetic for her earlier actions. Instead, she was clearly intrigued by me and my unwillingness. Her face opened into a smile, and she gestured for me to follow.

She led the way back into Room 525, and from there into its bathroom. She made some complicated motion, and slid open a narrow panel in an unused wall. She stepped inside and continued down a narrow staircase. The door swung closed behind her.

We continued down numerous sets of steps and narrow corridors. I attempted to calculate how far down we'd gotten, and realized that we were quite far below ground.

Eventually, the steps ended at a narrow room, only ten feet wide, but quite long. The door closed behind us with a heavy noise. The room was like the rest of the hotel, opulent in marble and mosaic, but missing the artwork. There were no windows or other ornamentation, and only one other door at the far end. I remembered something like this in one of Jasper's battle tales – a heavily trapped entranceway able to bottleneck a large force of invaders. There were some black scorch marks around the edges. It seemed the room had seen some heavy use.

About mid-way along the room, there was a sophisticated looking set of sensors built into the walls. Just beyond them was a deep pit that stretched from one side of the room to the other, filled with metal spikes. Josie motioned for me to stay still, continued past the sensors, and leapt over the pit to the other side. I could hear the faintest of buzzing from the sensors as she passed.

The door opened, and three men filed out and stepped forward to face me in a row. Josie sauntered past and slung an arm around the waist of one of them. I faced them straight on.

"Well, well, well, you've got a lot of guts coming into our territory looking for trouble, boy." The Colonel boomed, easily recognizable from his portrait. His Texan accent was thick, and he looked to be powerfully built and used to action. I tried to hear his thoughts, and realized uneasily that the Coronel was the source of the white noise. He chuckled and winked at me, as if at an inside joke.

"Please meet my associate William Hubble," the Colonel indicated the older-looking vampire on his left, "and my son Kevin Driskill," the younger-looking vampire on the right. "And of course, you've met my daughter, Josie."

William Hubble, the painter of the Colonel's portrait, stood easily with an arm slung around Josie's shoulders, like an adoring uncle. He could have been the Colonel's brother – they had the same stance and look in their eyes. He smoked a cigar – unusual for a vampire. Neither the tobacco nor the nicotine has any appeal for us. I guessed it was out of habit.

Kevin Driskill was clearly from another generation, if not another world. His "Han Shot First" t-shirt proclaimed him a bit on the geeky side and clearly very modern. He was comparatively slight of build, with dark hair, and an intense look to his eyes. He had probably been a University student, or maybe a dropout. I wondered how long he had been a vampire.

I scanned their thoughts. William wasn't overly worried about me. Kevin, on the other hand, saw me as a distinct threat. He was tense and practically snarling.

Pieces on a chessboard, missing the Queen. Where was Constance?

I realized they were waiting for my response. "My name is Edward Cullen," I stated tersely.

"Yes, we know all about you…and your family." The Colonel shifted his weight a bit. "We're not too fond of Jasper Hale around here, and we don't hold much truck with him sending one of his coven members to spy on us." William chuckled while the Colonel drew in a heavy breath. "I have to admit, we've been debating over whether to kill you, or let you return with a message to your boss. Your talent is pretty impressive, but you can't be too bright, coming down here on nothing more than the word of a pretty woman."

I processed this little bit of information carefully before I formulated a reply. "I've never been involved in the wars, and I'm not now. Jasper's out of that business too. I've come here on my own personal business…looking for someone."

The Colonel and William straightened up a bit. "That so?" the Colonel rumbled. It didn't look like either one believed me.

Kevin's growl became audible for the first time. Josie and the older gentlemen glanced over at him in surprise, wondering why he was reacting that way.

_He's come here to hurt her. It's just like she said._ Kevin's thoughts were clear, and clearly hostile.

I stared at him, awestruck. Several things slid into place at once. _Constance must be Victoria. Laurent must have warned her I was coming._

For the first time, the Colonel looked intrigued. "So there is more to this than I knew. What haven't you and Constance been telling me?"

Kevin didn't lift his malevolent stare from me. "Constance says that this man killed her companions because his coven doesn't believe in killing humans. They're willing to destroy their own kind to protect the humans they keep as pets."

The Colonel's brow furrowed deeply at this. Josie exclaimed incredulously, "What do they eat?"

"Animals," Kevin spat.

While Josie shrieked, William piped up with, "You mean to tell us that Jasper Hale has formed a coven of human-lovers up north? Hell would freeze over first."

"We're both members of a _family _that doesn't harm humans. Neither one of us formed it." My situation was dire, and yet I couldn't help but be a little amused at the thought of Jasper in charge of the Cullens.

The Colonel finally weighed in. "That doesn't sound like the Jasper Hale that I know."

"You don't know him very well," I ground out between gritted teeth.

Silence reigned for a long moment.

He continued in a more menacing tone, "That may be, but it does sound like you mean to do our Constance some harm, and I can't allow that. She came to us looking for protection, and we've given it to her, despite our past differences. She's gone away to protect herself against you and the rest of your…_family_."

I started forward. "Where has she gone?"

"Careful of the sensors, boy," William commented idly. "Those bio-scanners will know you're not one of us. Sets off all kids of defenses."

I didn't like the sound of that. "What have you done with her?" I demanded, holding my ground.

Stonily, they all faced me, determined not to say. I searched desperately through their thoughts for clues. William and Josie hadn't known she had left. The Colonel gave me nothing but white noise. Kevin, on the other hand, exulted in his knowledge. _She's left this dull city for a hideaway in Brazil…and I'm going to meet her there. She and I will be together forever, just as soon as you're dead._

And then I saw it. Kevin had fallen desperately in love with Victoria. I could see the memories of her in his embrace, promising him her love and devotion, as soon as he helped her take care of this one annoying detail….

"Don't believe it, Kevin. She doesn't love you," I warned.

"She does!" He screamed, way too loudly for the small space. "She proved it to me."

"Colonel, listen to me," I started, facing the bigger man beside him. "When I met Constance, she went by the name of Victoria, and she had long been the mate of the leader of her nomadic coven, James. It's been less than a year. She can't possibly have feelings for Kevin. She's using him!"

The Colonel looked between the two of us, as if judging our respective cases. "She left our coven here to follow a nomad named James, and as she was leaving, she swore she would never go by the name I gave her again. Your story checks out, boy."

"Colonel, this man means to kill Constance!" Kevin shouted. "You can't possibly be listening to him."

The Colonel considered his face for a moment, and then turned back and gave me a stony glance. "Why harm Constance, boy? What did she do to you?"

"Her mate, James, decided to play a dangerous game with my family. He tried to track and kill a human that was under our protection. Victoria…Constance helped him before we killed him. I want her to answer for her actions in helping James."

I felt like I was slipping. While the Colonel might save Kevin from Victoria's clutches, I didn't really have a good reason for him to help me…or let me leave here alive. I wanted the Colonel to understand why it had been so important to us…to me…to protect Bella against all costs.

I added, looking down, "The human, Bella, she…was…my…mate." The words wrenched themselves out of me, slowly, painfully. Spoken in terms vampires could understand. Vampires didn't really marry, as damned souls have no religion to marry them. Only my family married, and only I had ever even considered using a term like "boyfriend" to describe myself. Those were terms that humans used. But "mate" was a term vampires understood. It was permanent and binding, and it carried a certain understanding….

Josie shrieked again, and the others sneered. Only the Colonel seemed to consider my words carefully.

He finally spoke, "That's impossible, boy."

"It's possible if you don't harm humans." I maintained steadily, looking back up again.

The Colonel drew in a big breath and looked me straight in the eyes. "I'm not wild about that boy Constance ran off with. I always wished her well, but she made her decisions, and she made them with open eyes. I don't aim to answer for her mistakes, and no one else should either," he said thoughtfully. He spent a long moment staring at Kevin.

Then his eyes hardened. "But what you're describing isn't natural. And when all is said and done, you're still with Jasper Hale and she's still my daughter, my family. Family is what's important, boy." He backed off several steps, and motioned for the others to come too. "You die here."

He nodded at William. I saw the intention in William's head, and it gave me a few seconds to react. I started running forward at top speed. While Josie and Kevin backed up behind the Coronel, William sucked in a giant breath….

And blew a giant fireball from the end of his cigar. It spanned the entire room, and thundered along the length of it directly towards me. It was impossible to avoid.

I timed it so the fireball took out the sensors, and then I was in it, on fire. It lasted for just a moment, and then I dropped down into the spiked pit. For a few moments, I held on with my fingers to the edge, and then fell down what felt like 30 feet or more, when my fingers burned off.

For an untold time, all I could feel was a hazy pain. Eventually the fires went out, both upstairs in the corridor room, and on my body. I had known from William's thoughts that the room was coated in a clear flammable paint that caused it to burn for minutes after the fireball went past. The room acted as a giant kiln, baking vampires alive. The only safe place, ironically, was the spike pit, which was untreated.

My fingers and skin regenerated after a time, as did my hair, but my clothes, alas, did not. Naked, I levered myself off of two spikes, which had impaled my abdomen and left thigh. I was lucky – if I'd fallen a few feet to either side, I might have done much more damage.

I waited for the injuries to heal, listening and scanning carefully. I heard nothing, not even the white noise of the Colonel. They were gone. I leapt out of the hole to discover the entire room was coated in thick black soot. It coated my feet as I walked carefully along.

The door I had come in was open. The other door was shut, and wouldn't open. It seemed I was being allowed to leave, but not to pursue. That didn't make any sense. Didn't the Colonel intend to have me killed? Why not finish me off when I lay vulnerable in the pit?

I made my way up to Room 525, and from there to my own room at vampire speed to avoid attracting attention. I showered quickly, to remove the black soot and creosote smell. When I left the bathroom to get my clothes, Josie was sitting there, waiting in her ballgown.

"Hmmm…just like I imagined," she purred. I quickly donned my clothes.

"Why are you here?" I muttered. What kind of game were they playing?

She cocked her head to one side, and sighed. "I'm just here to give you a message."

I stood at the door, with my bag over my shoulder. I didn't look back as she rose to her feet. She glided over to me, and pressed herself up against me from behind. I shuddered in revulsion.

"The Colonel wants you to give Jasper Hale his regards, and tell him to go to hell. He also wants you to know that Kevin is on the 7:05 to Buenos Aires out of Austin International Airport." She pressed lips to my back, despite my jerking movement away. "Happy hunting," she added, letting go.

I opened the door, and shut it again. "Why is he helping me?" I asked.

She sighed, and for a moment, the act seemed to stop. Josie's tone sharpened, and the vixen seemed to melt off her body. "Kevin is real young, only a couple of years old, and the Colonel made him. He's angry at Constance for using Kevin – he's really too young to know any better. Kevin is family, and Constance should have more consideration for family. So the Coronel is writing her off, I guess. He's hoping you'll kill her and free Kevin to return to the family. This way he only loses one child, not two."

She paused, and then continued in her earlier vein, "Of course, he always has me. Unless you have any plans to take me away from all this? No?" she teased with a return of a smile to her voice. "That's okay, I don't want you anyway. You're way too strange – eating animals and taking a human mate. It's best you leave before I forget all that in light of how sexy you are."

"Tell him thank you from me," I muttered, barely able to keep my tone gracious.

"Bye-bye now!" she trilled, as I shut the door.

© 2011 K. Snead


End file.
